Here it is folks. What you've all been waiting for: Jess is going to blog about her divorce. As some of you may know I separated from my ex-husband over a year and half ago, our divorce was final last May. Altogether I was with this guy around 14 years. We started dating when I was about 15. That's a long, long time. It should have been 'til death do us part but if I had stayed with him I would have died sooner. So, I guess you could look at my decision to get a divorce as a pro-life choice. You might wonder what took so long for a blog? Well, from the beginning of all this I did not want to be a part of that divorce scenario where people act all crazy. So I laid low and let everybody else dig themselves a hole with their lies and stupidity, but there comes a time when things need to be set straight and that time is today!
For anybody who wants the short version of this story it goes like this: There once was a girl named Jess, she was pretty awesome but married a Dbag. Her awesomeness continued and the douche bags douchebaggery got worse. She divorced and was mad awesome about it and the douche bag was a douche bag about it. To this day she remains awesome and the douche bag remains a douchbag and Jess lived happily.... AFTER she cleared up all the lies Dbag told. THE END.
Now, HERE is the longer, juicier, more detailed version of the story, so get your popcorn and get comfy: *Warning: If at any point during or after reading this your little heart has the desire to come to my house and disrespect me, I have recently lifted my "no male family member beating asses for my benefit" ban.
I have standards for MYSELF. No matter what anybody does to me I am going to handle the situation according to what I believe is right. At the end of the day I am the one that has to live with the decisions I make and I want to be able to feel that I handled things the best way I knew how. I am obviously not perfect, far from it, but I know that I try my best. It may seem like I am defending myself or justifying my decisions....that's because I am! Good call! This may not make sense but it's the truth: I don't reallllly give 2 craps what anybody thinks about me or my decisions, ~BUT~ at the same time I think that I deserve that people know the truth about me, I am who I am and anybody thinking I am something that I'm not really isn't fair to me. Ya feel me? For the most part I'm sure that people use good common sense and already know I take care of mine. For those of you that have had my back, stuck up for me and not ran their mouth about me...I know who you are and I appreciate it. Word gets around and I have even been surprised by the people that have called it like they see it, you guys are awesome for that!
So, I'm doing a little bit of sticking up for myself, running damage control, whatever you want to call it. Word gets back to me when people try to make things up about me or tell this story in a way that is just a fat lie. I have no reason to lie, that's because I don't do things that I'll want to lie about! It's that simple. If anybody out there can say I'm a liar please stand up, seriously, call me out. There will be no takers on that one.
I decided, on my own, me~by myself, to file for divorce. The final straw was the realization that he had a problem with drugs. That is when I told him to leave. Call me stupid (because I clearly was in fact stupid), but I had no idea. Put that on top of a gambling problem, alcohol problem and a huge suspicion that he was cheating along with the fact that he was an absent husband and father and everything else he should have been and that equals divorce. And to clarify, at the time I only suspected he was cheating, I could prove nothing. And I am not the jealous type....you know, the girl who thinks you're cheating just because she can't see you...haha...that is NOT me. So if I suspect you're cheating it's probably because you are. AND he was. It has since been confirmed that that most definitely happened. In fact he was in a "relationship" with somebody at the time that I kicked him out. And being that I have NEVER EVER EVER cheated on my ex, I'm just happy I walked away from that relationship without an STD. For real! If you don't believe me then you don't know me! In fact, I dare anybody to come forward if they were intimate with me in ANY way! I never even looked at another man in any way but a friendly one. Well, now that I'm thinking about it I wasn't 'permitted' to look at a man let alone be friends with one.... so I guess I closed my eyes a lot...? Just clarifying in case anybody ever even tried to think I'm a hoe cause that would be false!
If I tried to describe to you what the marriage was like I'd have to write a book and quite frankly I don't feel like it. Plus it was terrible and nobody wants to read a terrible book! What I will say is that when I left the marriage I knew I had tried everything I could to make it work. There is not one thing that can be named that I didn't try. That's how my Pops raised me what can I say?! Even my in-laws (his parents) told me for years that they didn't know why I hadn't divorced him. You can quote me on that. QUOTE ME! It was said several times over the years. Now, once again I'll say that I know I'm not perfect, but I never did anything remotely close to bad enough to end a marriage. I did stuff like burn dinner.... or get mad when he was going out for the 64th night straight (this literally happened), that kinda stuff. WHATEVER! As much as my ex likes to pretend, he would have never left me. Yeah, I said it. He had it too good. A loyal, understanding and honest wife who took care of the kids and the house and every single other thing while he partied his life away, c'mon! The way the story has been told is that I was a raging bitch that he couldn't stand and that HE left me and wanted a divorce and I would not sign the papers. I'm laughing about that to this day. If I was really that way he would have left a long time ago. And look at this, I even have further proof to back up how stupid that is. He certainly would not have spent the first 7 months we were separated trying to convince me to take him back. Of course he had a girlfriend I was unaware of during this time. ~ So we are clear here, NONE of his smooth talking worked AT ALL. He did convince me to go to marriage counseling with him though. I doubt his girlfriend knew! I told him HE had to pick the counselor and that it had to be a MAN so that he would have no excuses like saying, "the counselor was a woman, that's why she's on your side". So we went to this "man counselor" a few times. Well, it didn't work out. In the end my ex got pissed off and stormed out cause even the counselor could see how full of crap he was, and I was advised that going back to that relationship would be a bad decision. Duh. Shortly after this counseling business I found out about my exes girlfriend. I was truly happy for this news. And I will be more than happy to tell you why! I knew that if I could tell her that he was still trying to get me back the shit would hit the fan. So I got on facebook and looked her up. I was unable to message her because we weren't "facebook friends", so I put a post on my page. (Knowing how great the FB world is at passing along a message!) It said "will someone please tell (girlfriend's name) to have (my ex) sign the divorce papers I filed a long time ago so I can finally have the divorce I asked for. You're relationship would probably be a lot better if he wasn't married. Thanks!!!" (check FB, it's still on my wall) Well, she obviously got the news!! Within 5 minutes my ex was texting me, cussing me out, claiming I was trying to ruin his life because I couldn't move on...and so on and so forth. I'm guessing he worded it that way so he could be slick and show his girlfriend the texts and make it seem like he wasn't trying to get me back because apparently the whole time they were together he was telling her that he wasn't divorced because I wouldn't sign the papers! Ha! Well he got the point and left me alone after that, which is EXACTLY what I wanted, so you see, him having a girlfriend made me very happy. (not happy for her, I felt sorry for the poor girl, she didn't know what she was in for...although....she has figured it out by now) So now you know the truth of that matter, at least the major details. He continued to not show up for court dates and not sign the papers for months after that. He always claimed he didn't have time to sign them because he worked. All he had to do was go to the library, which is open every day and sign it in front of the notary, we all know this takes about 60 seconds. I believe that he drug this out so long in an effort to avoid paying child support as long as possible. (I'll get to that later) He drug it out so long that even the judge was pissed and eventually she called a notary into her courtroom to do it right then and there so he could quit wasting all of our time. It was quite funny, she even wanted to give me everything, including things I didn't even ask for, because he was being so ridiculous. This is on record, if you don't believe me go look at courtroom reports.
This brings me to my next point. What did I get in the divorce? Well, let me first say that I wanted nothing from my ex except a signature, give me a divorce. I have heard around town that I took everything, I have received several nasty text messages from my ex that I take every penny he has and so forth. FALSE! In fact, I'll start from the beginning. When it came to the parenting agreement I asked him to make the agreement, to tell me exactly what he wanted. After weeks of me begging he finally said he would see his kids on Mondays and Tuesdays from 5pm-7pm. I told him that he worked during those times and that it didn't make sense. He didn't see the good reasoning there, so I wrote it on the parenting agreement. I then begged him to take Sundays because he is always off work that day. He said no several times and then told me to write down every-other Sunday but that he wasn't sure if he would be able to do that. (what a joke) Then he wanted me to be in charge of all the major decisions for the kids and he didn't care about holidays, so I, on my own, gave him Fathers Day, Halloween and Easter, and half of Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas and so forth. I did everything I could. If you don't believe me you can see the agreement and the text messages backing up what I'm saying. Now, to make my point even more clear, I have never stopped him from seeing his kids. IN FACT there are many, many witnesses that will confirm that I bent over backwards to make it happen. Several times I picked my ex up and took him to MY house and then I left MY house so he could hang out with them and then I drove him home! I have also dropped them off to him and picked them up, none of which is my responsibility! So please, excuse me while I laugh hysterically at the claim that I keep his kids from him. I could even show you the many text messages I have sent him begging him to stop being selfish and think about his kids. This is the most offensive to me because when someone says I am "being a dictator with these kids" OR keeping them from their dad, they are insinuating that I do not put my kids first. These kids are always TOP priority to me, no matter how I feel about anything they come FIRST. 100% of the time I do what is best for them and you can quote me on that. I will NOT fail MY kids in that department because I love them and they deserve to have a mother who always puts them ahead of herself. THAT is my job and I take it VERY seriously. I can prove it, I always have proved it, I always will prove it and anyone who says otherwise can shove it up their blind butt. ANYONE who says that is a complete and total idiot. So if you're reading this and that has left your mouth, YOU ARE AN IDIOT. Did I get that point across? I'll bet everyone in this entire town will stand behind me on the fact that my kids come first, with the exception of the handful of "IDIOTS" whose real problem is that they want things to be MY fault so they don't have to believe that my ex is the deadbeat that he is. Well, I didn't raise him so that's not my fault either. To further make my point to this very day my ex has never, not once, seen them on a Monday or a Tuesday, including the ones when he was laid off. For the first year he would see them once every 30-60 days. He is currently averaging once a month. When he does show up, the hours he requested in the agreement are 10am-6pm, he is almost always late and he always texts me that he's bringing them back early. So he sees them about 6 hours a month, give or take a few minutes. And for the sake of being honest there have been 2 or 3 times when he wanted them on a day that is not his in the parenting plan, I have learned that his girlfriend pushed him to do this, so thanks for that...and being the crazy dictator that I am I happily said yes to this request. I am soooo unreasonable! Also, his girlfriend asked me if she could take my girls to the pool even though my ex wouldn't even be there and I said yes to that too. Could I be any less dictator-like than I already am? Wow! Another interesting point to make is that the kids spent a year and half begging for a sleepover. They finally got one (which I also said yes to) and my 10 year old said she stayed up til 2 in the morning playing Grand Theft Auto. Wow. Also, the fact is, that if I tried to stop him from seeing his kids all he would have to do is call the cops because in a legal document he has every right to see them during his appointed time and the cops would say so. Again, if you don't believe me, it can be proven, but most of you already know my ex isn't with his kids because you see what kind of life he leads.
I've obviously done the best I can with the parenting agreement so here is a list of all the other things I was entitled to during the divorce: alimony or spousal support, half of his retirement, half of his pension, half of his annuity, the house and child support. And this list doesn't even touch on things like the cost of the kids going to college one day. WV law REQUIRES that my ex pay child support, therefore I have no decision to make there. SO, what did I ask for? Absolutely NOTHING. Not one thing. My lawyer told me I wasn't being smart and that I deserved and was entitled to all of that. But I decided going in that all I wanted was a divorce. Nothing else. I would not fight over a single thing. I ASKED for NOTHING!! That is how it went. The judge asked me if I wanted it and I said NO. She even threatened to give it to me anyways because my ex was dragging the divorce on, I did not want it. This is all a matter of public record, if you do not believe me, go look. I have the papers here that state I did not ask for any of that. Man, I am such a greedy, evil dictator! Give me a break! It couldn't have been any easier on him. As for these text messages I receive from him regularly getting all angry because I take every penny he has, is he serious? WV law requires that, not me. The judge has a formula she has to go by to find the correct amount and then they have to take it directly out of his paycheck because he does not pay it on his own. And this is my fault how? Or how about this...what kind of crazy person partakes in making 3 children and then gets upset when they have to contribute to them monetarily? In fact, when the parenting agreement first came up my ex actually tried to convince me to put in the agreement that he would have them 50% of the time, even though he really wouldn't, so that they wouldn't make him pay child support and that he would just give me money. I'm serious that is exactly what he said. My reply was, and I quote, "you don't give me any money now? What in the world makes you think I'm gonna believe you'll give me money then!?!" That brings up the first 10 months we were separated. The day I kicked my ex out I had 0 dollars and 0 cents and no car because he recently sold the only car we had (drugs'll do that I guess). At the time I was a stay-at-home mom and had not gone to college. My ex was in no way, shape or form supporting his kids and I was doing everything I could to take care of them, we were broke and going without a lot of things. Seriously, at one point I just did not have the money for the gas bill and it was shut off. It stayed off for a month and a half. That means no hot showers, no cooking on my stove, no heat. I called my ex every day about paying this so his kids didn't have to go through that. Not a penny came from him. It took 6 weeks but I was able to save enough to have it turned back on. Don't believe me? Ask one of the many friends who let us come shower at their house. You know who to ask. That's just one example, I could give you many. And just an FYI, I don't mind hard times, I experienced them growing up and it's not such a bad thing. I make the best of any situation and I used it as an opportunity to teach my kids how to handle life when things get rough. And my kids really made me proud of them during the hard times. They never once complained and jumped right on the bandwagon with me and always said things like, "It's okay, things'll get better." If you know us, you know my kids are pretty awesome.... and sweet and kind and that is exactly some stuff that would come out of their mouth's. And it showed me I must be doing an okay job with them. This lack of support went on for almost an entire year before the court ordered the child support to be taken directly out of his pay. In the meantime I had been working my butt off with cleaning jobs and window jobs to take care of us and things were starting to get easier. I also started college and in 10 months I'll graduate, so I will have the work I do now plus that degree to fall back on so I know these kids will always have what they need. That's what a single mom has to do because you are the only one you can rely on, child support can stop at any time, kind of like I'm not getting any now.
Some of you may be wondering how I still live in me and my exes house. Well, the judge said that whoever had custody of the kids would reside in the house with them until they moved out or the kids turned 18. At that point the house would be sold and split down the middle. This is where things start to get a little tricky. When we bought this house I had good enough credit for a loan, but my ex didn't. However, the bank wouldn't put the loan in my name because I had no income. So, my exes dad co-signed with my ex. Keep in mind I told them not to do this and I even refused to go look at the house they wanted to buy. They did it anyways. Well my exes dad then paid for a new driveway and replacement windows, which we were to pay back when we sold the house eventually or whenever we could. Well, once divorce proceedings started my exes dad came to my house and to sum it up stated that he had money in this house and his name's on the loan so it should be his so he could make sure he got his money back in the end and then he assured me that he loved me and the kids and that he would do anything he could to help us and that we could stay here as long as we wanted. Well, I had already decided I wasn't fighting for anything in this divorce and I told him that I was fine with it and that I know he wouldn't want to do anything to hurt us and so forth. Well, my ex has made a career out of trying to get rid of the great relationship I had with my in-laws, and I realized yesterday, he was successful. I've always had a great relationship with my exes whole family, much better than the relationship even he'd had with them. Family was never very important to him, even they have said so. A lot of people warned me that in a divorce people will turn on me and blah blah blah. I said noooo they would never do that. Um, yeah they will folks. They will look for something, anything they can jump on and find a reason to turn on you. Here's what they had on me. After over a year of craziness, when my ex finally signed those divorce papers, I went home from court and put on my facebook, "Best day ever!!" I received a lot of comments and somebody asked me why it was the best day ever. I told them because my ex finally signed the papers. I know terrible right. Well, my ex mother-in-law does not even have a facebook, so somebody called her up and told her about my status. She was highly offended I guess and told me a whole bunch of crap including that my status "was a slap in the face to the whole family" That is a quote people. How ridiculous is that? Me and her grand kids were treated like crap for years and were put second in line to alcohol, gambling, drugs and women, and then those kids were not supported and seen minimally by their father, her son, for nearly a year and I say "best day ever" after a judge gets sick of his crap too and brings a notary into her courtroom to finally put a stop to it and ~I~ have metaphorically slapped the whole family in the face? What crazy train is she riding?!? It was a completely vague statement. And what balls she has acting like it's offensive for me to call that a good day. It was a great day! And she's been through enough divorces herself to know what a relief it is to be divorced from a complete D-bag! So she has been rude to me since that happened, but I was never rude to her. When she told me about the slap in the face all I said was "I'm sorry that it hurt your feelings, and we'll talk about it when I get home from school." She said we didn't need to talk about it. So I guess she can use that to make her feel justified in treating me like crap now. Whatever, I saw her true colors and I want no part of it. So after that my father-in-law has been the only one trying to keep some form of contact with me. Make no mistake that I am fully aware that he's in agreement with my mother-in-law about me, no matter how nice he tries to act. I know this because the woman doesn't have an opinion of her own. His opinion is her opinion. To finish this story I'll need to start with last Sunday. My ex was supposed to get his kids at 10. Right before 10 I get a text from him asking to get them at 11 instead. Well, this particular morning I was going to be home anyways so I said that was fine but that he should keep them an hour later to make up for it and he said okay. Look how mean I am! I could have lawfully said no, your time is 10 and after you're 30 minutes late I simply don't have to be here for you to get them. But because I care about what my kids want I don't do that. Anyways, he finally shows up at nearly 1130. And then at 5 texts me that he is bringing them back early. Well, as you all can imagine I'm pretty sick of him not being reliable to his kids so I texted him, "on the days you decide to show up your hours are 10-6 and I will no longer respond to any texts trying to change anything. You need to think about your kids and not yourself. Your children are getting tired of you being unreliable." I copied this directly from my phone people. And I meant it. I'm tired of going out of my way so he can continue to be unreliable. That's called enabling! So then on Tuesday I get a text from him, "I need the kids Friday, my brother will be home, maybe 630-8." I said "no". Here's the deal with that. 1. I already had plans for Friday and 2. I don't have to explain that to him, no is sufficient, especially considering the events of that past Sunday and the entire year and a half prior to that. Of course within a few minutes I receive a call from his dad, which I don't answer because I surely don't have to explain myself to him either. The next couple days I got a couple more phone calls and even saw his dad waiting for me in my driveway. I'm not quite sure why they all feel I owe them an explanation about my plans for Friday, which is not a day my ex is supposed to have the kids anyways. So the next day, Thursday, I send my girls off to their first day of school. I had a cleaning job right after I dropped them off and then I went home to have a mama and son day...just the 2 of us. My exes dad shows up. Trust me, I know word for word what happened from there and I'm not going to take the time to type it all out so basically as usual I remained calm while he became more and more angry. Now remember this is all because they aren't getting what they want on Friday evening or something. I told him I already told my ex no, but he sat there as if he still needed an explanation. So I told him that I already had plans but that I also didn't have to explain myself to anybody. This made him angry so he became louder and tried to say my ex and him and his wife weren't going to put up with my s*** and that I'm being a dictator with these kids. I said being a dictator how? He couldn't answer. He tried to change the subject and talk about the house. I pointed out that he wanted to say his piece and then not let me talk and then he'd change the subject. He got angrier and said he'd take me to court. I said take me to court for what? He couldn't answer this either so he told me "Your being a bitch!" (mind you I have remained calm this entire time) So I said, "okay you can leave I'm not going to have you over here calling me a bitch." He tried to say he didn't call me a bitch and I said, "you just said, you're being a bitch" this made him angrier so he said, "I'll call the cops" I said, "go ahead", so then he said, "I'm notifying you now and I'll notify you tomorrow in writing that YOU ARE EVICTED!" I said, "do what you gotta do", and he stormed out. What details I left out are minor and don't change the story, but if you really want them just ask. So much for "I don't wanna put you out, live here as long as you want to"... I guess that came with a stipulation on it, one that says I better explain myself to them and do what they want or else I'm evicted. So this is what I get out of that. Oh what? The three of them want my kids so they can pretend they're father of year and number 1 grandparents in front of people? Ha. My kids aren't their little show dogs. Y'all these people have never wanted time with my kids. They are uninvolved grandparents and the only reason they were ever around my kids is because I would go to their house and visit them. And this applies to all of their grand kids not just my kids. So let this be a lesson to them. Quit being D-bags and treating people like crap for no reason. Not one of them can say I ever wronged them. Not my ex or his parents...or the rest of the family. All they can do is continue fooling themselves into thinking I have somehow offended them. And the worst part is, they are only hurting the kids.
I would also like to mention that during my marriage I was informed several times by my ex mother-in-law that 'it takes two to make the marriage or break it.' This is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard leaving an adults mouth. One person can make a marriage fail, and one person did. A marriage can in fact be ruined by one person and it clearly was. I've never heard her claim any fault in the failure of her first marriages to jerks. But I guess the "it takes two" theory should only apply when it benefits you.
I'm not sure people understand. I am happy! My kids are happy and we have a peaceful home. If you know me you know how true this is. I don't give a crap about any of these people who are mad about it. So, I'd say it was a long time coming for me to defend myself. And I guess to the people that ran their mouth in the first place lying and trying to make me look bad. Well, it probably wasn't the best idea to try to make me out to be something I'm not because I was bound to defend myself and now those same people don't look so good when the truth comes out. And the best thing about the truth is there is proof.....for everything in this blog, even the ridiculous way my ex-father-in-law acted at my house, because my cousin was there and heard it all.
My cousin read over this blog before I was about to post it. He looked at me and said, "I'm actually pissed that you didn't mention one time in there that you have Crohn's disease and how he treated you." I told him he could be a guest writer and add a paragraph of his own, but I'm in a hurry and that would have taken a couple more days. But I decided he's right, I will mention that. For those of you who don't know Crohn's is an inflammatory digestive disease of unknown cause and no known cure. It has been proven however that stress is a big factor, and seeing how I haven't really had a bad flare up since I got rid of my ex I'm going to say that's probably true. It is said that Crohn's is debilitating and it truly is. It affects your whole life including your ability to function on a normal level. I have been dealing with this for almost 10 years. I will give you just a couple examples of the ignorance that went on. Not one time did my ex ever help me with this in any way. He claims that because he called the doctors office for me once that he went above the call of duty. (bahaha) One time I was really sick. I'm skinny to begin with and I should weigh about 115 pounds, I was down to 99 pounds and running a fever over 103 for days. I could not physically even get out of bed. My ex still went out every night and slept every day so I called John to come help me. I was so sick that most of those days are a blur now. I do remember John took care of my kids and me all day. And all night he was changing cold rags on my head and fanning me with a magazine trying to keep me cool. I'm not sure if he even slept during this time. My ex did not want to give up sleep time or party time to take care of the kids, so he let me know that I should only go to the hospital if I thought it was really serious (as if being under 100 pounds and visibly very sick wasn't enough). I finally said I needed to go to the hospital. My ex was in bed so John tried to wake him up to change my clothes and carry me to the car. My ex would not even get out of bed and told John just to let him know if we left. I was near death I think and couldn't move so John covered me with a blanket so I wasn't exposed and managed to get me dressed himself. This must have seemed cool with my ex but it wasn't cool to us. And then he carried me like a baby out to his car, drove me to hospital and carried me in. We had to stay there for 4 days so I could be nursed back to health. Only one of those days did my ex make a quick appearance. John sat by my side. On another occasion I was told to try a new medicine that came with severe side effects. This happened with about 8 different medications over the course of time and my ex never helped me through any of it, but this particular time was the worst. The medication made me puke violently and I could not walk for almost a week. It was weird but it was as if I was paralyzed from the waist down. My ex went out every night. When I saw him getting ready to leave I would say, "I can't believe you're leaving me like this, I can't even walk and I have to take care of the kids." He literally looked at me and said, "How convenient, every time I try to leave you tell me your sick just to try to keep me here!" Craziness. I literally had to army crawl around my house, pulling myself along with only my arms. I would crawl to the kitchen and pull myself up to the counter to try to make my kids something to eat. That is heartless. I wouldn't treat a stranger like that let alone my own spouse. That is just 2 examples. I have hundreds more if you want them. Not once did he ever help me, not once. Many people have tried to tell me that the stress of being married to my ex was what was making me sick to begin with. Probably.
Actions always speak louder than words. I don't care if you want to hate me or lie about me or persuade others to hate me too. It's obvious through my actions what kind of person I am. I don't have time to lead a life caring about what idiots think or say about me. I've handled myself well through my marriage and my divorce. I have a life to go live. A life that I am making the best of, with my 3 awesome kids. All the idiots can continue being pathetic and wasting their lives away being hateful and nasty. I have said it before and I'll say it again. Kids grow up and they figure things out. Just because I am a good mother and choose not to drag my kids into all this BS doesn't mean they won't eventually know. They will become adults and then it will be too late. Why am I the only one that can see this coming?
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