My first blog!

     My first blog.  I figure this is the perfect outlet for me.  Mostly because my pens and paper are always disappearing.  Of course it's never the kids fault, so I figure I have a ghost.  A ghost that likes pens, paper, eyeshadow and roast.  I decided to do this to tell all the funny stories from my day to day life, most of them involving unfortunate events...and I may even vent a little bit.  :)

     I always say I have bad luck.  It's true.  If it can happen, it probably will.  The greater the odds against it happening, the better the odds it will happen to me.  I plan ahead for worst case scenarios.  Most of the time my bad luck is hilarious.  Like the time I took the kids to the park with the duck pond.  I'm pushing the stroller around the lake, I turn and look just as a duck decides to fly at my face in kill mode.  Keep in mind, I had been mobbed by ducks prior to this duck-attack and nearly drowned when I had to stay under water to escape their wrath.  So I cover my head and hit the ground screaming.   Anybody who saw it was laughing at me.  It's hard not to laugh at it yourself, once you realize you're gonna live.  Stories like this are a dime a dozen in my world. 

     Then there are the things you can laugh about later, but aren't really funny when they happen.  Like when my daughters were 1 and 2, and I realized my house got quiet.  I saw the bathroom door was shut and made a beeline for it.  I open the door and find them both in their birthday suits, covered head to toe in vaseline.  I had to bathe them twice a day for a week before they stopped looking greasy.  Their hair looked wet all week.  The day they returned to normal, they did it again.  I haven't owned vaseline since.  At the time, not so funny.  Looking back on it....hilarious!  Oh, and the time something was wrong with my eye.  My expert opinion was my eye was probably going to fall out.  It was so sensitive to light I had to wear an eyepatch in the dark.  My kids thought this was great.  Yelling, "Arg!  Walk the plank, ye scallywag!", everytime they saw me.  I harrassed a Dr.'s office for 2 weeks before the secretary stopped asking me to get a referral and made the stinking appointment.  I went in and found out that if I had waited much longer I would have gone blind.  I told the Dr. all about his simpleton secretary.  He told me it was his wife (insert foot in mouth).  He said on extremely rare occasions a person can get a cold sore in their eye.  I've never heard of such a thing.  That story wasn't funny until my eye stopped hurting. 

     All these crazy things that happen from day to day make my life more interesting.  Last Saturday was a good example.  The kids and I are all up at 7am.  I decided to take the three of them to the donut shop.  They were pretty excited about it.  We drove down and walked in.  I quickly realized I had just taken my kids to their very first gambling joint.  Awesome.  At least they had a few pathetic looking donuts I could buy the girls.  I got out of there as fast as possible!  Wasn't to happy about all the people gambling their lives away looking at me like I was the crazy one.  After we left there I had to stop for a gallon of milk.  The local produce store was the best option because I needed some fruits and veggies too.  We pulled in and saw they didn't open for about 10 minutes.  I should have left when I saw that every elderly person in town was outside the door like it was black Friday.  But the doors open and we head in.  It was like a stampede!  I've never seen old people move so quickly, my kids were nearly mowed down.  I guess I didn't realize how important a good honeydew was.  We got out of there.  Back home to eat our donuts, and I'm in productive mode, so we head to the grocery store.  I tried out a new one that was supposed to have great deals.  Fail.  As I was thinking of leaving I hear this chipmunk version of a pop song I hate, that happens to be my husband's ringtone.  NOOooooo!  It's like nails on a chalkboard.  I figure out my husbands phone ended up in my purse and answer it.  I thought he'd sleep in on his day off, but he wanted me to go back home so we could all go shopping.  Now we are all headed to the mall to get a birthday gift for my niece.  I get the baby out of the car and realize he peed through his clothes.  Not only has this never happened, but it's the first time I left home without extra clothes for him.  First stop, buy baby a new outfit.  Head in to the next store and run into a mallfull of screaming trekkies, there were hundreds of them, girls, boys..even some adults, who were there to see some dork from twilight.  Are these people serious?  This turd was charging an arm and a leg for pics and autographs, AND making them buy a ticket to stand in the line for it.  It was like a Jonas Brothers concert in that piece.  It was about 40 degrees outside and these 12 year old girls were wearing miniskirts.... that's bad parenting on so many levels.  Next on the agenda was Wally World.  That place is my arch enemy.  Actually, shopping in general is a nightmare to me.  Anyways, good news!  I found my niece a cute beachbag on sale for 7 dollars!!  Happy birthday to both of us with a deal like that.  At the checkout the hubby decided to take the girls in the arcade, I met them in there and proceeded to open my chocolate milk, which proceeded to explode.  Unbelievable.   Back home to unload groceries.  That was all before noon.  I got this crazy idea that I would try to take a nap.  After 20 interruptions from a barking dog with mental issues, and my daughter informing me that she clogged the toilet I gave up on that dream.  I had to pee, but not before a 20 minute toilet plunging session.  I should have just gone in the utility sink.  Then I had to scrub my toilet and floor.  Next I head to the kitchen and find my floor is soaked.  Apparently I developed a leak under my kitchen sink.  So an hour and three wet pairs of socks later, the kitchen was restored back to its prior level of cleanliness.  Ughhhh.  As I walked out of the kitchen I noticed somebody let the dog out of the cage without taking him directly outside first.  Now I'm busy cleaning the poop off the floor in my hallway.  Thanks hubby!  I am currently plotting revenge.  I'll keep you posted.  We eat some sloppy joes for dinner.  Sometimes my cooking lacks.  I said, "These sloppy joes taste like metal."  My eight year old says, "It does!  Kinda like that time I had to put a coin in between my front teeth."  To which I reply, "Why did you have to do that?"  She says, "BECAUSE my hands were full!"  Uhhhhh.  Later we realized my other daughter could easily hold a buck fifty between her front teeth since the middle 2 recently came out.    My 7 year old daughter tries to help me around the house.  She goes in the laundry room everyday and wipes down the top of my (clean) washing machine.  This day I walked in there and found she had taped a note to the top of it.  "PLEASE KEEP THIS WASHER CLEAN :)"  Seriously?!?  I guess I should just tape notes to every surface of my house.  Who knew?  About 10pm my husband wanted to go get all his work clothes out of the car and throw them in the washer.  A few minutes later my girls come running to inform me the laundry room is flooded.  Oh Yay!  For a moment there I thought I would be bored until bed time.  Aahhhhhhh, go to bed up a few times with a 6 month old that refuses to sleep all night, and a 4am awakening when my dog starts barking like an idiot.  I thought about offing him.  I guess I have to stop being patriotic and take down the flag on my front porch since the dog barks at it relentlessly every time the wind blows.  Note to self: buy a muzzle...ehh make that a shock collar.

   A day in the life of Jess.  Not every day is this crazy, but somedays are worse.  I'm gonna end it there for now though because I think I'm catching a buzz...there was an ant on my floor (tis the season) and the kids drenched it with hairspray.  Until next time!