Ballin' a station wagon...as promised

I should begin this blog with the story about how I acquired the station wagon.  I owned a Honda Passport.  It was mauve which is the worst color on the planet ~the reason I think this is because I used to know this crazy lady who insisted on everything mauve.  She even spray painted the $3 mini blinds hung in her trailer with a rose stencil and mauve paint, it's just weird.  I tried to tell her that her decorative taste was sub-par and geriatric, she didn't budge.  Whatever crazy woman, go get yourself some cats and leave me out of it.
So back to my Passport.  I put around 700 miles a week on that thing between school and work, so I checked my fluids EVERY single weekend.  I was making sure that thing would last til I graduated so I didn't have to buy something else.  It was a pretty good car aside from the gas consumption.  So one day I'm driving home from school, about 25 minutes from home my car starts making a clicking sound.  I'm in the fast lane, doin 85-90 as is customary for me, so I get into the slow lane real quick and my car shuts off so I pull over.  It won't start.  I sit there long enough for the engine to cool so I can check all the fluids and see if I can fix the problem myself before I have to get outside assistance.  Let me interject just to say that if you're a dude and you're reading this and you find this offensive in some way, a girl who checks her own fluids etc., should not make you question your manhood.  Girls are not born with some car/brain retardation.  We are capable.  Think of it this way: if we can master the art of pouring fluids into our car without a funnel then the pancakes you expect us to make you in the morning will be poured with the utmost accuracy, and when we get you a drink after a long days work cause you're too lazy to "fetch" it yourself it will be poured perfectly as well. If you get offended it's probably because you can't check your own fluids and THAT should make you question your manhood. (also: changing a tire, windshield wiper installation, changing your headlights, putting air in your tires, and pumping your own gas...in fact if you can't pump gas I'm not sure how you are serving any purpose on this planet and you should go find a cave in the wilderness and stay there and hope to God that you can muster up the courage to kill your own food so you don't die.)  Back to the story...roadside..I pop my hood and get it open about 6 inches and I already know what happened.  APPARENTLY the last time I checked my fluids I left the oil cap on the battery instead of recapping the oil.  (probably due to the fact that Nate was running around my driveway with a dirty funnel in his mouth, which made me decide that his life may be more important, I'll thank him for creating a diversion later.)  So my motor was locked up, and not being worth the money it would take to fix it, I was going to have to start car shopping.  I called my Dad and as usual he came to the rescue with his trailer to tow my SUV to his house.  (I am not one of those people who runs to Daddy for everything, I handle mine, but if I'm in a bind, and have done everything I could to get myself out of it, I know he's there to help.)  So we drive to his house and since I still have school and work the rest of the week he is going to let me borrow one of his cars.  Most of my first choices are not street legal and only used for drag racing so he offers up his old station wagon.  It's actually a cool car, but a station wagon is not my style.  I smiled at him and he says, "embarrassing?"  I said, "beggars can't be chosers!"  ....So he said I could borrow his truck.  If you know me you know that I am a huge, gigantic, enormous truck HATER.  But it was better than a station wagon so I was happy.  I'm busy with life for the next couple of days and then I get a phone call from my Dad.  He says, "I know your busy so I went ahead and got you a car."  I was ecstatic!  First of all I didn't have a ton of money for a new car and I didn't want a car payment, secondly whatever beater I could afford wouldn't have gotten me far.  He said, "Yeah, it's a Ford Taurus......station wagon."  Crap.  I don't want to seem ungrateful in any way whatsoever, but if I'm going to be honest then I have to admit that I felt a little bit like he should have bought me a cane and a walker to go along with it.  But hey, I'm not one to care too much what people think and a station wagon will hold all 3 of my kids, my work ladder and other work items so it will suit me.  And as far as function goes it has served me well and is probably exactly what I needed.  Top that with the fact that it was free and who am I to complain!  However, for the purposes of this blog I will give you some examples of why I did and still believe station wagons are horrible.
It has crossed my mind that Dad doesn't want any dudes checking me out.  Dad 1 Jess 0.  That surely won't happen.  I have been hit on at red lights more times than I can count.  Not once in a station wagon.  One time there was a car next to me on the interstate for a solid 2 minutes, I was thinking why doesn't this A-hole pass me already, so I look over and this dudes smiling and waving...I was thinking, as I usually do, what does this dude think is gonna happen right now?  We are in seperate cars, doing 70mph with somewhere to be.  Does he think I'm gonna pull over and jump his bones?  What is the point here, he can't even get my number?  So, as is customary for me, I flip him off.  You might say I should be flattered and treat people better.  Uhhh, no.  Clearly this douche is already thinking farther ahead than he should be because he wouldn't waste his time to get my attention unless he thought I might flash him or something.  There's not 1 dude on this planet who will waste his time getting my attention on the highway JUST so I know he thinks I'm pretty.  Not 1.  Therefore, he deserved my middle finger.  Well, that didn't work.  So then I pointed to the CHILD in my back seat.  He shrugged and pointed to the child in his back seat.  At this point I had to laugh, we were friends again and he drove off.  Do you think this will ever happen to me in a station wagon?  The answer is no.  Nobody even looks cause they judge a book by the car it drives and assume I'm an old lady. 
If you drive a wagon, you get no respect.  I still do my usual 85-90 on the interstate and I have people swerve around me and cut me off like I'm in their way or something.  Just riding behind a station wagon annoys people.  I guess nobody thinks it's okay for an old person to be ahead of them, or be driving faster than them.  They get pissed.  Some guy almost cut me off when he went to pull out of a side street I was driving by so I had to slam my brakes. He cussed me out!  He looked all crazy and was bashing his steering wheel and acting like a lunatic.  My kids were like, "Ma!  Did you see that guy?!  He was acting all crazy and it wasn't even your fault!"  Also, my kids are excellent lip readers.  You should only buy a station wagon if you hate respect.    
I have gotten compliments on my new ride, but not from anyone under the age of 60.  For example, I went to a cleaning job that I do once a month.  The man of the house, who is pushing 70, tells me he really likes my new car and grabs the phone and walks away.  This is a good thing because  I sometimes feel like my life is a sitcom and when he said that to me all I wanted to do was laugh.  Of course he would like my car, it's probably the same one that's parked in his garage.   A few minutes later his wife walks in breathing all heavy and tells me she was out for a walk and her husband called her to tell her about my new car so she hurried home to check it out.  Seriously, who does this happen to?!?
This car has posed one last problem for me.  It hates rap music.  I love rap music.  I can't turn the bass up at all or it sounds like butt and even turned up to full volume I can still hear my kids. (the music is supposed to drown the kids out..duh)  To top it all off I feel completely weird listening to Biggie Smalls in this pimp ride of mine so I turn my music down at all red lights and in residential neighborhoods.
There you have it....ballin' a station wagon.  Thanks for reading!

I'm so thirsty today!

Sooo..my first blog in about a year and a half!  I read through my old blogs..and my life has changed a lot since my last blog.  I’ll get a blog going to update you on life as it is now…but while you wait here’s a little bit of my day today…

Before you start reading, you should know that initially this was intended to be an email for McDonalds, then I changed my mind cause when you email them, they only allow 1000 characters and I do what I want.

Visit to McDonalds:  Let me start by telling you about what led to my visit.  I was hungry.  You see I woke up at 5:30am and got myself ready for a long day of work and 3 kids ready for a day at their Aunt's house.  At 7am the kids are dropped off and I'm headed to job #1 at the physical therapy clinic.  I stop at good ole' McDonalds on my way, sit in the drive thru for 10 minutes and the drive thru girl hands me my large sweet tea, no straw.  I wait longer for a straw and my hash brown.  Which is handed to me in a bag, which I assume my straw is in.  I go to pull out.  I have to stop because there is a pedestrian crossing my path.  It’s the guy who ordered ahead of me.  As he passes my car he looks at me and says, “you better check your bag, their forgetful!”  He was clearly pissed.  (I don’t blame him, you go through the drive thru to avoid getting out of your car, duh) I didn’t check, I figure you can’t really screw up a hash brown.  I get on the interstate.  I discover I was wrong about the hash brown and I still had no straw.  The hash brown was burnt and hollow and came with pieces of other hash browns that were burnt as well. You know, kind of like Long John Silvers gives you little crispies, only these crispies I got weren’t going anywhere near my mouth.  So I roll down my window and toss the hash brown.  I do this for one reason only.  I hate birds and was willing to sacrifice my $1.06 to kill one, which in turn makes me feel a little better about the fact that I would be starving until lunch.  So I pick up my strawless tea.  No need to remove the lid because it popped off as soon as I touched it cause that’s what these awesome new lids those cheap donkeys are using do.  I take a drink.  Mmmm extra sugar, yay!  I wanted to drink syrup for breakfast, how did you know?  I thought about tossing that out the window too, but I decided to keep America beautiful and focus on ways to boycott McDonalds.  So as previously mentioned I was hungry and didn’t get a lunch today.  BONUS!! (aside from 3 tic-tacs).  After I leave job #1, it’s off to job #2 ~cleaning someone’s house.  I am the sweatiest chic ever and dehydrated from no drink aside from the swig of sugar that morning.  Off to job #3, still hungry.  I clean house #2.  I’m sweatier than I was, it’s 4pm, still hungry and still thirsty.   Job #4 cleaning windows.  Nothing says “you’re going to die soon” like 90 degree weather and a 24 foot ladder on an empty stomach.  It’s 6pm, still hungry, still thirsty, have to pick up my kids.  On the way I decide to put some chap stick on.  I take the cap off and white fluid flies all over my car.  My chap stick melted in the heat. That’s the second time this month.  I’m home at 7.  I chug nearly a half gallon of water so I might live.  I give my kids edible food because my name is Mom and not McDonalds.  I let them play outside while I unload said ladder and a multitude of other work items I had in my car.  I clean up their mess, start some laundry and realize I’m still hungry.  At this point I’m too tired to think about cooking something so I decide that I should go to the car wash and vacuum my car and go to Wendy’s for my dinner.  I get in the line at Wendy’s, which is wrapped around the place.  I wait.  I pull out, thankfully I still had that option.  Once you get closer you’re trapped by a curb and can’t leave, so I felt lucky that I was smart enough to escape that nightmare.  Subway is next door, I’m totally going there.  I go to pull in when some girl who can’t drive throws it in reverse and nearly takes me out as I start pulling in.  I bob and weave like the expert driver that I am and narrowly escape a car accident which would have undoubtedly led to a fist fight and an arrest. Subway’s out.  Oh boy one option left…McDonalds!  Here we go.  I sit in the drive-thru, which has 2 lanes.  I’m at the speaker, ready to order, but they take 4 cars at the other speaker before I am waited on.  Them- “can I take your order?”  Me- “yes, can I have a #1 with a large sweet tea and a stra~” (interrupted by) Them- “A NUMBER ONE AND WHAT?”  Really? Me- “a large sweet tea and a strawberry banana smoothie”  (interrupted by) Them- “Is that all?”  Me- “uhhh can you change that medium sweet tea to the large one I ordered?” Them- “WHAT?”  Me- “yeah.” I pull around.  Wait like 8-9 minutes.  I pay.  Wait like 5-6 minutes.  I’m at the window.  My bag of food is just sitting there.  I shut my car off, clearly this is going to take a while.  After 4 minutes of letting my food sit there some skank hands me my number 1 and a medium tea.  I ask for large for 2 reasons.  1: I’m super thirsty. 2: It fits in my cars drink holder.  Thank you morons.  Drive-thru skank tells me I am waiting on my smoothie.  Clearly genius.  I see them messing with the machine and I know that’s not good.  They hand it to me, I ball out.  The smoothie is gross looking, like water,  McDonald’s has balls of steel handing me some shit like that.  I’ve been working in 90 degree weather all day, I know I’m out of daiquiri mix at my house, that was the next best thing.  I give it to Dana, that kid will drink anything.  I get home.  I open my big mac.  McDonalds’ balls just got bigger.  There is a straight up finger sized hole through the top bun, the meat is all chopped up like they couldn’t get it off the grill, no onions and the only lettuce was a piece of the hard gross lettuce from the center.  Yum.  I gave it to Dana, that kid will eat anything.  I went to drink my MEDIUM tea.  I took 2 sips, the tea was gone.  It’s just a cup full of ice.  Awesome.  I go to the fridge and chug some more water.  I’m still thirsty and I’m still hungry but I don’t care anymore.  I’ll try eating again tomorrow. 

 Nate is next to me relentlessly asking, “swing me around, swing me around”.  I’m thinking about doing it, but 2 things are stopping me.  A: He’ll keep asking for more. B:  I’ll pass out from malnutrition.  I think it’s bedtime for these kids.

 I just remembered that I left my step ladder and some used up paper towels on the front lawn of cleaning job #2.  That’s professional.    

Going to try to get back to blogging again y’all!  My next one might be titled, “balling a station wagon” ha!