Camping Expedition Gone Thuggishly Wrong

I took my kids on their very first camping trip a few weeks ago.  It’s sad that this is their first and there are several lame reasons for that, but what’s important is that they finally got to do it.  It was a last minute trip so we ended up going somewhere close.  Barkcamp.  Never again.  This story is crazy.  I took with me my 2 younger brothers, my younger sister and my 3 kiddos.  We got all the necessary stuff (basically what you need for s'mores) and headed out.  We set up camp, cooked hotdogs and s’mores and hobo pies, sat around the campfire, peed in the woods (cause the outhouses are siiick!), and did all the typical camp stuff.  After dark at about 10:30 another group showed up and set up camp right next to us.  We couldn’t really see them all in the dark but you could tell by listening to them that they were quite a trashy group and this was probably going to be a problem.  They set up camp and I noticed they had brought a little boy with them…about 4 years old.  This kid was so bad.  No matter what they said to him he would cuss them out.  I am in no way exaggerating, I have 6 witnesses.  This kids mouth was outta control!  If they offered him a marshmallow he would yell out, “F*** YOU, YA A**! (His version includes the actual cuss words)  One lady, apparently his mother kept chasing him and cussing back at him, he’d cuss at her and so on.  This was non-stop, literally.  She threatened to leave several times.  Which means she walked towards the parking lot ~aka right next to our tent~ and would scream at him to get in the car.  She was waking up those of us that were sleeping.  She had less common sense than the 4 year old.  At one point she got him in the car, started it, turned her headlights on (right at us), and threatened to leave while he cussed her out.  She gave up and finally shut her car off and let the kid back out.  At this point it’s 3:30 am, he takes off and literally runs a circle through the entire campsite yelling F*** YOU at his mom.  I could even hear people in the distance yelling at them to shut their kid up.  Originally, I was going to keep my mouth shut because I didn’t want to have to pack up in the middle of the night and leave during the kids first camping trip, but I was getting more and more pissed as the night went on.  At that moment the kid actually fell asleep and the rest of the night was peaceful.  So I drifted off to sleep chuckling to myself at the thought of a short story I decided to write them.  When I woke up the next morning I immediately remembered this note I wanted to write to make myself laugh about the whole situation.  I grabbed a notepad and pen and went to work on my short story.  I entitled it, “and you thought kids didn’t come with a manual.” By Jess Blake  Page 1:  Parenting 101: The only rule you need to know: Beat that kids ass!  If I had to spend another hellish night camping next to you I would also include the short story “camping etiquette for a**holes”  The End.  Well, they had 2 tents and I had no idea how many people were there and who was in which tent so the only logical place to leave the note was under the windshield wiper of the car with it’s headlights on us the night before.  So I stuck it there.  We started packing up because we wanted to go kayaking and no way in hell were we leaving our stuff next to these people.  After we cooked sausage and scrambled eggs and toast our “neighbors” started to wake up.  They looked how I imagined.: Big ole’ women and skinny dudes with pony tails.  Hey, I don’t mean to profile, but it is what it is.  So the mom heads to her car and finds the note.  She reads it, walks right past me and passes it around to everyone else.  I find this hilarious.  They all read it and nobody says a word!  That surprised me, but whatever.  About an hour passes, we are packing up and this dude shows up out of nowhere to their campsite.  I’m terrible with height/weight descriptions but I’d say he was over 6 foot tall…bout 250.  He reads the short story and grumbled around about it for a few minutes.  Then he walks closer to our campsite (yet stands far away) and asks who Jess Blake is.  Obviously I claim that and the short story.  He was pissed that I had the word a**holes in my short story.  I told him I’d heard worse out of his 4 year olds mouth til 3:30 in the morning and that I thought my story was funny.  He didn’t like that and became irate.  As soon as he started yelling and cussing one of the ladies thought she would get brave.  She turned towards our campsite, that’s is just turned, didn’t come close or anything and started yelling that her "kid didn’t need his a** beat", over and over.  I told her I wasn’t even gonna argue with her and to turn around.  Meanwhile huge dude over here is yelling out every cuss word he knows.  Nobody cares dude.  First of all you’re ignorant.  Secondly, we can barely hear you from where you’re standing tough guy… and lastly any kind of man who tries to act hard when put up against a 5’2” GIRL is a wussbag!  Go home.  So he walks away and his woman goes to “the general store” to tell on me.  Haha.  She comes back, nothing came of it I guess.  So sad.  But they all sit over at their campsite indirectly talking trash to us.  By that I mean they yelled out things amongst each other which were meant for us to hear but in such a non-threatening and standoffish way that they wouldn’t have to actually back up anything they said.  The following is a list of some of the hilarious things I heard them saying and laughed out loud about:

“I got a temper!  Noble county police know it!  Belmont county knows it! Marshall county knows it! Ohio county knows it!” (and so on)

“If you wanna fight…show up!”

Obviously directed towards my short story, which was perfectly written and contained no misspellings or grammar mistakes whatsoever, “Ya need to learn how to write with your adequate ass!”  I laughed when I heard this and said to everybody, “either he wants me to write the short story WITH my nice butt, or he doesn’t like my story but I have a nice butt.”  Hahaha!  What a moron.  

The funniest thing he kept yelling out was “THUG MOTIVATION!”  ~I’m not sure exactly what that means, I think it just made him feel good.  But…1: dude, you’re white.  2: you have man boobs.  3: In no way shape or form are you acting like a true gangsta’ right now or I would have seen a gun already.  So calm your tits mister.

THEN, I heard him say, as if he were about to do something that would really bother us, “I’m gonna play my rap music, see if they like that!”  This made me smile.  He walked to his car and turned his stereo up as loud as it would go...bumpin' Rick Ross. (I'm a little out of the loop, so if it's not referred to as "bumpin'" anymore...I'm sure you'll let me know.)  It just so happens.... I love rap!  Also, I know this song ya douche!  Haha!  By this time we are just about ready to go kayaking and our cars are almost packed.  He is by his car which is right next to ours so my brother and I are right next to him.  He didn’t say a word.  Probably because his peeps were over at the campsite and not next to him making him feel brave.  I glared at him the whole time and he wouldn’t say anything.  This also made me laugh.  Since he saw we were leaving he turned off his music.  So I pulled my car right behind his bumper and played my rap just so he would know that his attempts at pissing us off were laughable, like his boobs. 

Then we left and made a stop at the "general store".   The biggun’ that went to tell on me showed the clerk my short story earlier.  The clerk told me she thought my story was funny, and that their little group were “those kind of people”.  We told her the true version of the story so she had to call camp security to get rid of them.  I’m not sure if I’ll be writing any more short stories (at least... not with the kids present).  I thought it was funny, but I guess some people can’t take a joke! 

I just want to add that just because I do hilarious things like write funny stories to stupid people, I am not trying to come off as a badass, this is my version of the story, and while it is truthful, I'm guessing that if Mr. SpongeBoob Thugpants were to tell it, it would sound a lot more like he "won" or something.  So I'm letting it be known that I definitely would have had my ass handed to me if that big dude wanted to actually fight me.  Cause even though I know my punches would have been much cleaner than his, he was still really big. (Like his boobs).  I'm serious.  He had me covered.  He was bigger in all of the following areas:  height, weight and boobs.  He also won the screaming match... (I didn't actually participate in the screaming match cause he was really loud and ignorant to the point that I knew he wouldn't hear me anyways, so I just laughed at him.)  I should also give all those other people credit too!  They are, after all, the ones that called the big dude to come to the campsite to handle their stand off with the small girl.  I considered calling my (bigger and better) reinforcements in as well, but I have this rule where I handle my own business and don't need to call in back-up.  Also, I really don't give a crap.  And in closing, THUG MOTIVATION!!!

"The Rapist" x 2

     Story 1:  As you may know I’m finishing up an internship at a Physical Therapy Clinic in Washington.  (This isn’t funny, but you need a little back story to understand where I’m coming from.)  Since I’m going to school for PT assisting I have to do this 6 week internship this summer.  Of course it’s full time and of course I don’t get paid. (8 days left and I’m done!  Wooohoo!)  This means I’m still doing all of my regular “single mom gotta make money” jobs.  So I’m working 70-80 hours a week.  Because I still have to take care of my kiddos and my house most of my days start at 5am and end between midnight and 2am, do the math…3-5 hours of sleep a night.  Not good.  I’m not bragging, many other people have to do the same thing and probably a lot longer than 6 weeks too.   All I’m saying is I’m mad tired, which excuses anything dumb I’ve done. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been truly embarrassed about anything in my life… until this morning.  I went to work and stood at the counter where the daily schedules are laying out.  The clinic I work at has several Physical Therapists so there are 5 teams consisting of a PT, a PT Assistant and an Aide.  I’m on the orange team.  I look over everyone’s schedules when I notice something crazy.  I stare at one of the schedules and decide that another team must be playing a joke on another, got in the computer system and labeled their schedule “THERAPISTS”.  I’m guessing you read this correctly, but how I saw it, in my sleep deprived, near passing out condition, was “THE RAPISTS”.  I stand there and I am really surprised by this.  A PT from a different team walks up to the counter, a PT that I haven’t even spoken with yet during my internship   and I say, “did you see this??!!”  He looked for a moment and says, “ohhh, yeah, they don’t have a very busy schedule today.”  I said, “NO! Look! Someone put THE RAPISTS on there!!” (I pointed at the word for him since clearly he was blind or something.)  He said, “Therapists?”  I looked for a moment then it hit me.  I’m immediately hysterical.  I’m laughing so hard I’m crying.  He looked at me like it was some kind of joke and said, “ARE YOU SERIOUS??”  I laughed harder, cried more and ran off down a hallway and around a corner to hide basically.  After about a full minute I walk back out.  He is still standing there.  The second he saw me he yelled out, “ARE YOU SERIOUS??”  This makes me laugh /cry all over again.  I looked like a complete ass in front of this dude!  Everybody got a laugh out of this and made sure to remind me of it all day long.  A fellow student on internship walked by, pretended he was paging somebody on the PA system, “the rapist room 2, the rapist to room 2.”  I’m an idiot.

     Story 2:  This story has a back story as well.  One I won’t go to into great detail with.  Long story short, there is a sex offender in my neighborhood.  I have known this for years and made my kids aware of it and up to this point he has stayed to himself.  Within the past month he has been messing around my neighbor’s house.  The next house on my road.  To the extent that he was arrested and held for a week on stalking charges (scary, sure).  So I have stepped up my game.  A month ago I would have told you I’m a badass and if somebody ever tried to come at me or my kids I would eff their day up.  This is true, but this dude is a lot bigger than me so if I’m being realistic I should probably realize that while I would gouge eyes, kick nuts and break him off with a mean throatpunch, I’ll still probably lose the fight in the end.  If you know me you are going to give me credit for even admitting this, cause you know… I gotta be a tough guy all the time.  So I talk to everybody I know and come up with a great plan of action.  First I head to my dads house.  I tell him we are going gun shopping.  My step brother Caleb tells me he has a 380 that would be good for me and takes me out to shoot it.  I’ve never fired a gun.  Well, except a BB gun, which hardly qualifies and also does NOT stop a raccoon.  But that’s another story in itself.  But I did alright with the shooting.  Caleb got out a paper plate and drew a target on it, which I never hit, but I did hit the plate every time…from uhhhh 20 feet away.  At this point I proudly declare that I’m going to try out for “Top Shot ~ Point Blank”.  The point blank edition of this show doesn’t exist yet, but I’m positive I’m a shoe in.  Also, I find out that I love shooting guns and can’t wait to go shoot bigger and better ones!  Guns are awesome and I’ve only tried the little bitch gun!  Can you imagine how much fun I could have with a big boy gun?!?  Somebody mentioned to me that if I shoot the dude he has to be actually INSIDE my house or I could get in trouble.  OHAHAHA!…silly people.  If there is a pervert on my porch or anywhere on my property I will most definitely be shooting him with a quickness.  My dad warned me that if I kill the guy I might have a hard time dealing with the feelings I’d have afterwards.  I disagree, this dude should have already been killed in my opinion.  (I know my dad agrees, he’s just looking out for me) But I didn’t stop with just a gun.  I bought motion detecting flood lights for the outside of the house and of course made sure the house is on lockdown.  I also got these awesome pull string alarms which are kind of like fire crackers that you can tie to windows or doors and they make an 80 decibel popping sound when moved.  I have an air horn and now sleep with my car keys to set off my car alarm if somebody comes in the house.  I have notified neighbors to keep their eyes open and call the po-po if my car alarm goes off.  I also heard that wasp and hornet spray is better than mace and shoots up to 27 feet, best believe I stocked up on that.  I also ordered a stun gun.  This perv has given me a reason to waste money on a stun gun!  I can’t wait to get this in the mail and stun my friends.  I’m a good friend.  On top of all these things I want to reiterate that I am not scared and I am definitely going to put up a crazy type “small girl” fight if anybody tries to roll up on what’s mine.  Let this be a warning.  This has been cutting into my 3-5 hours of sleep a night so that’s a little irritating, but if I have to investigate every little sound and stare at my kids all night to ensure their safety then that’s what I’m going to do!