Story 1: As you may
know I’m finishing up an internship at a Physical Therapy Clinic in
Washington. (This isn’t funny, but you
need a little back story to understand where I’m coming from.) Since I’m going to school for PT assisting I
have to do this 6 week internship this summer.
Of course it’s full time and of course I don’t get paid. (8 days left
and I’m done! Wooohoo!) This means I’m still doing all of my regular “single
mom gotta make money” jobs. So I’m
working 70-80 hours a week. Because I
still have to take care of my kiddos and my house most of my days start at 5am
and end between midnight and 2am, do the math…3-5 hours of sleep a night. Not good.
I’m not bragging, many other people have to do the same thing and
probably a lot longer than 6 weeks too. All I’m saying is I’m mad tired, which excuses
anything dumb I’ve done.
I don’t think I’ve ever been truly embarrassed about
anything in my life… until this morning.
I went to work and stood at the counter where the daily schedules are
laying out. The clinic I work at has
several Physical Therapists so there are 5 teams consisting of a PT, a PT
Assistant and an Aide. I’m on the orange
team. I look over everyone’s schedules
when I notice something crazy. I stare
at one of the schedules and decide that another team must be playing a joke on
another, got in the computer system and labeled their schedule “THERAPISTS”. I’m guessing you read this correctly, but how
I saw it, in my sleep deprived, near passing out condition, was “THE RAPISTS”. I stand there and I am really surprised by
this. A PT from a different team walks
up to the counter, a PT that I haven’t even spoken with yet during my
internship and I say, “did you see this??!!” He looked for a moment and says, “ohhh, yeah,
they don’t have a very busy schedule today.”
I said, “NO! Look! Someone put THE RAPISTS on there!!” (I pointed at the
word for him since clearly he was blind or something.) He said, “Therapists?” I looked for a moment then it hit me. I’m immediately hysterical. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. He looked at me like it was some kind of joke
and said, “ARE YOU SERIOUS??” I laughed
harder, cried more and ran off down a hallway and around a corner to hide
basically. After about a full minute I
walk back out. He is still standing
there. The second he saw me he yelled
out, “ARE YOU SERIOUS??” This makes me
laugh /cry all over again. I looked like
a complete ass in front of this dude! Everybody
got a laugh out of this and made sure to remind me of it all day long. A fellow student on internship walked by,
pretended he was paging somebody on the PA system, “the rapist room 2, the
rapist to room 2.” I’m an idiot.
Story 2: This story
has a back story as well. One I won’t go
to into great detail with. Long story
short, there is a sex offender in my neighborhood. I have known this for years and made my kids
aware of it and up to this point he has stayed to himself. Within the past month he has been messing
around my neighbor’s house. The next
house on my road. To the extent that he
was arrested and held for a week on stalking charges (scary, sure). So I have stepped up my game. A month ago I would have told you I’m a
badass and if somebody ever tried to come at me or my kids I would eff their
day up. This is true, but this dude is a
lot bigger than me so if I’m being realistic I should probably realize that
while I would gouge eyes, kick nuts and break him off with a mean throatpunch,
I’ll still probably lose the fight in the end.
If you know me you are going to give me credit for even admitting this,
cause you know… I gotta be a tough guy all the time. So I talk to everybody I know and come up
with a great plan of action. First I
head to my dads house. I tell him we are
going gun shopping. My step brother Caleb
tells me he has a 380 that would be good for me and takes me out to shoot
it. I’ve never fired a gun. Well, except a BB gun, which hardly qualifies
and also does NOT stop a raccoon. But
that’s another story in itself. But I
did alright with the shooting. Caleb got
out a paper plate and drew a target on it, which I never hit, but I did hit the
plate every time…from uhhhh 20 feet away.
At this point I proudly declare that I’m going to try out for “Top Shot
~ Point Blank”. The point blank edition
of this show doesn’t exist yet, but I’m positive I’m a shoe in. Also, I find out that I love shooting guns
and can’t wait to go shoot bigger and better ones! Guns are awesome and I’ve only tried the
little bitch gun! Can you imagine how
much fun I could have with a big boy gun?!?
Somebody mentioned to me that if I shoot the dude he has to be actually
INSIDE my house or I could get in trouble.
OHAHAHA!…silly people. If there
is a pervert on my porch or anywhere on my property I will most definitely be
shooting him with a quickness. My dad
warned me that if I kill the guy I might have a hard time dealing with the
feelings I’d have afterwards. I
disagree, this dude should have already been killed in my opinion. (I know my dad agrees, he’s just looking out
for me) But I didn’t stop with just a gun.
I bought motion detecting flood lights for the outside of the house and
of course made sure the house is on lockdown.
I also got these awesome pull string alarms which are kind of like fire
crackers that you can tie to windows or doors and they make an 80 decibel
popping sound when moved. I have an air
horn and now sleep with my car keys to set off my car alarm if somebody comes
in the house. I have notified neighbors
to keep their eyes open and call the po-po if my car alarm goes off. I also heard that wasp and hornet spray is
better than mace and shoots up to 27 feet, best believe I stocked up on
that. I also ordered a stun gun. This perv has given me a reason to waste
money on a stun gun! I can’t wait to get
this in the mail and stun my friends. I’m
a good friend. On top of all these things
I want to reiterate that I am not scared and I am definitely going to put up a
crazy type “small girl” fight if anybody tries to roll up on what’s mine. Let this be a warning. This has been cutting into my 3-5 hours of
sleep a night so that’s a little irritating, but if I have to investigate every
little sound and stare at my kids all night to ensure their safety then that’s
what I’m going to do!
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