I was looking at my belly flab from having a baby 7 month's ago. Actually, it's probably just loose skin. And just in time for pool season!!! I am so lucky right now! I have always dreamed of going to the pool with weird gut! Seriously though, I know you ladies will agree with me, how unfair is this post-baby-body business?!?
First, we are blessed with the ever awesome period. How convenient! There is no day like the one you leave school early because you think your butt is bleeding. Only to lock yourself in a bathroom with a mirror between your legs while yelling to your mom, "Which hole is it!?". If your mom was anything like the lady I had to put up with she'll probably just start laughing at you for asking. Then the years of running to the bathroom when you don't even have to pee, just to change a tampon, and if your lucky a few minutes later you really will have to pee, then you get to change your tampon again or risk walking around with a wet string in your undies. I can't forget to mention the obsessive need to find a friend and whisper, "okay, I'm gonna walk in front of you and you tell me if there is anything on my pants".
What are we blessed with next, a baby! Oh, the joys of pregnancy! Isn't it great? No period for 9 month's! Instead you'll find yourself falling asleep on the job, taking naps like your my 80 year old grandpa. Your heads bobbing while your making dinner, and you quickly realize the best time for a nap is anytime you stop at a red light. And I say take advantage of it. Throw it in PARK, and let some annoyed driver's horn wake you up! Anytime you are fully awake, your stupid. That baby is sucking the life out of your brain. You forget everything from putting on your bra to unplugging your curling iron and simple spelling.
You'll be peeing more than the family drunk, but you can't drink. Don't worry though because your husband will be kind enough to drink for the both of you! Some parts of your body, previously unseen, will be exposed, like the inside of your belly button. While other parts you could see all the time, like your va-jay, will be nearly impossible to see without some outside resources (like a mirror). And you WILL get a mirror, cause you'll be grooming the crap out of it. You'll have a few reasons for doing this. One, your husband has been made fully aware that these 9 month's should be taken full advantage of, since it's the ONLY time he's going to get near you without protection. Two, your doctor might be a hottie, so your damn sure gonna tame your beav before you go to an appointment. Number two will keep you grooming on the regular, you never know when an emergency will land you in his office. Number 3, your doctor is a chic. You already know she doesn't like you that much and she's plotting any way possible to force natural child birth on you. The last thing you want to do is piss her off by leaving a jungle down there for her to sort through. You don't need the whole run down. Basically, it's the most uncomfortable 9 month's of your life.
Then the day comes when you get to give birth to an actual person. A WHOLE person. That just means you better expect whats coming out of there to be huge. In my case, 8.8, 8.9, and 9.1 pounds. If you don't know what that feels like, I'm happy for you. Everybody says it, and it's true, you really do think you're going to die. My eyes were literally wide open, and I couldn't see! It was completely black in the room. THAT is blinding pain. Not to mention everybody thinks you're a psycho because of your labor behavior. Word to the wise, if a lady in labor ever asks you for a tissue, you better pass her ~A~ tissue, not the box of tissues... unless you plan on getting that box thrown at your face. I'm just glad after a couple of month's, everything is back to normal. IF your doctor knows how to give some proper stitches that is! If the stitches are bad you end up with the nickname "flappy taint". Okay, okay...you do get an awesome baby out of the whole deal, so it's all worth it in the end. But why after you go through all of that do you have all these other things to deal with? Haven't we been through enough already? We are left with stretch marks and sagging skin, fat pockets and love handles. I mean seriously, before I had kids I had 1 ass and 2 legs. Now I have 2 "asslegs" as I like to refer to it. My belly button can double as a cereal bowl, and my tummy sticks out farther than my chest. I guess it doesn't help that the family 'Double D's' didn't get passed down to me, I'm an official member of the IBTC. I think God had it wrong when he did it this way. I would have set it up where we could just lay an egg.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
My little brother.....I call him Vanilla
Prepare to read the funniest blog yet! Make yourself ready to find out how bad a little brother can really be. My little brother Josh is 11 months younger than I am. He was my only sibling until a couple years ago, when my Dad married an awesome gal and I acquired 3 more brothers and a sister. People always asked us if my bro and I were twins when we were growing up. Aside from that, there were no similarities between the two of us.
It all started almost 27 years ago, when my brother came home from the hospital. That day I showed my little baby brother who the boss was when I slapped him across the face. What can I say, I wanted to teach him early. He spent the next 10 years trying to get his revenge by ripping the heads off of all my barbies and chewing their feet off. But, for the most part, we actually got along well.
He was the orneriest kid I've ever known. He used to wake up early in the morning and climb the counters in the kitchen and eat all the sugar cubes. The only reason he was up before the rest of us is because he had a nasty nose-picking habit and every night at my house you would here him picking and my parents screaming at him to stop. In the evenings you could find him standing by the fence next to our neighbors house. We grew up in California so all of our neighbors spoke Spanish. When the people next door would go sit outside to relax, you would hear Josh over there babbling to them like he was talking to them and knew how to speak their language. How embarrassing!
Once he started school it was a nightmare. The kid refused to learn how to tie his shoes! We were late for school almost everyday while he was forced to sit in our driveway until he tied them. The big shocker came just a few days into kindergarten when my parents got a call from the school to let them know that Josh had tied his teacher's shoelaces together during reading time on the special carpet. I couldn't believe it! He knew how to tie his shoes all along and was doing this on purpose to get out of a few minutes of school!
He was in trouble at school everyday. My dad would have to go pick him up, or the principal would paddle him. How do you get suspended in kindergarten? He was so bad! His teacher would be teaching and realize Josh was missing. He always found him over in the corner playing with his hot wheels. Those were all confiscated. His teacher had more of his hot wheels than he did by the end of the year. Luckily that teacher had me the previous year so he didn't think my parents were complete idiots. My first grade teacher got Josh the year after she had me as well. He had gotten worse over the Summer though. He actually got suspended more than he was at school that year. They wouldn't hold him back because nobody wanted him in their class. When recess was over he would (amazingly enough) tie his shoes together and throw them up on the roof of the school to get out of going back to class. But not before his teacher caught him peeing on the fence and throwing spit wads on the bathroom ceiling. She finally had enough and transferred him to the most militant 1st grade teacher ever. Even she was no match for Josh. When she told him what to do, he just grabbed his crotch, flipped her off, and said, "Right here lady!".
Summer time was interesting with him around. The Summer after first grade in particular. While he was riding his bike my dog Smokey was chasing him. I kept pleading with him to be careful but he ended up running my dog's tail over. Within a week the tail fell off and I had to bury it in the backyard. We had a little dog tail funeral for it. My dog looked weird after that.
We were always out playing in the desert. We came across a huge hole in the ground. Probably 8 foot deep and 8 foot wide. Immediately we thought we'd hit the jackpot and would have the best fort in town. Then we saw a huge stash of porn. I was out of there...quick. I later found out Josh had hung around. When one of my parents was putting away his laundry they found a stash of porn in his dresser! A few days later he got upset about something and said he was running away. We didn't believe him. The parents figured he was hiding out in the back of the truck and tried to water hose him out of it. When that didn't happen they had a look and realized he really was gone. It took my Dad some time to find him. He hid in a bush when he saw him coming. Dad pulled over and went in the bush and came out with Josh in one hand and a teddy bear and a pillowcase full of hot wheels (no pillow) in the other. I guess when it came down to it, he thought he'd only need his hot wheels to live.
I remember we would watch E.T. almost every night. And every night I would have to walk him to his room, turning every light on along the way, tuck him in, and then shut the lights out when I left. He was so afraid of that alien!
We were riding our bikes down the road one day and Josh turned and flipped off a guy driving past. The guy followed us home and told on us.
Josh wanted to race me to see who was faster. So we hopped the fence and took off. I was winning and turned to look at him right as my tail-less dog ran in front of me and tripped me causing me to roll under a car, smacking the exhaust pipe, and breaking my leg and ankle. At least Josh ran for help. That began our days of sitting on the couch together eating Kool-Aid ice cubes and listening to Alvin and the chipmunks on cassette tape. When we got bored with that we would fight over whether we were going to watch, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or Jem and the holograms. A kid in the neighborhood had the coolest bike, everyone wanted a turn on that thing. Josh got his turn first and then brought me the bike. He had failed to tell me the bike had no brakes. I was hauling ass down the street, and went to stop right before the end of my road, where I would enter a busy intersection. I quickly figured out myself, the bike had no brakes, and rolled straight through the intersection. Luckily, I didn't get run over, but I still couldn't stop. So I kept going until the only place to land was directly into the fence approaching quickly in front of me. I smashed into that and flew off the bike. Thanks Josh.
Josh woke up one day and his eyes were stuck shut. I think it was from eye cheese. Looking back on it I don't know why he was stuck like that all day. I would have put a warm rag on it if I was the adult. I had to help him eat and everything. It was kind of fun taking care of his blind butt.
I used to make him chase his shoe all the time. I wish you could all see it. He would throw his shoe across the room and then, like a dog, he would run after it and go crazy with it, then do it all over again. It was hilarious! It was all fun and games until he decided to get himself a 5 finger discount from Sam's Market, the local convenience store, and my parents made him turn himself in. Hope the gum was worth it!
Just before we were teenagers we moved to stupid, freezing West Virginia. We started school and it didn't take him long to make a name for himself. I remember one day in particular. A kid at school had jumped off the swings and broken both of his arms. I knew this because when he came back to school the principal made him spend his recess holding a sign that said that's how he broke his arms. The same day the kid was holding the sign, Josh got suspended for calling a little lady 'chocolate girl'. Now don't go getting all upset about it. I think it was probably more of a compliment in is eyes cause I think he liked her. In case you didn't figure it out, this is when I started calling him Vanilla.
There was a time Josh brought one of his friends home and they were watching wrestling. I just simply commented on how fake it was and this kid burst into tears! He had no idea it wasn't real. I had no idea why Josh would want to be friends with a big cry baby.
Vanilla was constantly getting me into fist fights. He would be a punk and I would beat people up so he wouldn't get beat up. I have no memory how many times that happened. I lost count. I am my brother's keeper. Any time my parents left the house I'd have to hurry up and lock all the gas cans in my bedroom because I always caught him and his friends huffing gas. Another time my parents left, Josh and I decided to go through the house and gather a bunch of stuff to have a yard sale. We laid it in the yard on a tarp, but found ourselves thinking we needed some advertisement. So I sent Josh to the end of our street to scream YARD SALE every time a car drove past. There is a video of this somewhere, and it's a great one. A lot like the video I shot of him making his own music video to Salt N Peppa's "whatta man", it's a must see!
In the top five funniest things I remember was when I was rudely awakened from my sleep early one morning by my neighbor yelling. I looked out the window and saw that the guy was walking up and down our street yelling, "I know who did this you son of a bi***! I'm gonna F***ing kill you, you sick bast**d for putting Sh** in my mailbox!" I knew immediately it was Josh, rolled over, and went back to sleep. When I woke up Josh told me I was right. He pooped and put it right in our neighbors mailbox. And not in a bag either, he just stuck it in there. This wasn't his first rodeo with poop, He left it in places like the Library book drop off slot, the handles of the UPS truck, and our neighbors porches.
As we got a little older Josh's voice started to crack when he talked. I told him that he was going through puberty. He didn't know what puberty was. Of course I'm not just going to tell him! I made him guess, and then try to figure it out by putting it into sentences. I wish I had it on video because I know I let that go on for a solid 20 minutes, laughing the whole time. But the only sentence I can recall is, "I slam dunked the puberty!". Soon after that I woke up one morning and found him sleeping on the couch. I figured this was my chance and slapped some bright blue and pink eyeshadow on him, some blush and some lipstick. Then woke him up and asked him to go outside (and clear down our street and across the main road) to check the mail. I watched him the whole way, waving to the neighbors. He had no idea he looked like a drag queen! It was one of the coolest ideas I'd ever had.
Being the responsible child I never got up late for school. Josh was late everyday, and I mean everyday. In fact I had to get up early just to have time to try to get him out of bed. I got him up because my Dad threatened to make him walk to school if he was late. I don't know exactly how far it was, but I took a cab home from track practice once and it cost 23 dollars, so the school wasn't close. Then the day came. The day I woke up late for school. Guessing yet? Yep, my Dad told us to start walking. I was so mad! My Dad always tried to be a fair man, but this??? So we started walking. About a mile into the walk I convinced Josh we should just hide under a bridge until school was out, then walk back home. Of course it didn't take much convincing. There was only one bridge so we climbed under it. We should have kept walking. The underneath of this bridge was lay down or curl up room only. We were smashed all day long, and had to ration our lunches like we were on Survivor. We walked home when the first bus rolled by, and my Dad asked of if we went. I guess I didn't plan ahead for him interrogating us. So in the end we fessed up and realized we wasted a whole day of our lives squatting under a bridge.
We got a little older and some idiot at the DMV actually passed my brother on his driver's test. I'm positive the DMV has to regret that decision. Of course I didn't want to ride with him. I was forced one day when my family was invited to dinner at someones home. We got there and immediately the old lady that lived there starting hitting on my brother...and she took it way to far. Then she got sloppy drunk and started fighting with everybody. It was crazy, and nobody was saying anything. So I finally said, "Screw this, I'm leaving.". Two cars, my parent's- who weren't leaving, and Josh's- who couldn't wait to leave. I knew Josh would likely kill us, but I had to get out of there. By 2 miles into the ride, I was sincerely scared for my life and told him he better pull over and let me drive or I'd kick his a**. I have NEVER ridden with him since, and that was 11 years ago. And I never will, since I don't have a death wish. Without exaggerating he has probably had 20 cars and wrecked or blown up every last one. And I'm pretty sure he has blamed a deer every time. I don't think there is hope for him.
I saved the best for last. When Josh was in 5th grade, as was expected, he refused to do well in school. He used every last available resource to get out of doing anything, including even showing up. He never once did his homework, and he probably spent most of his time in school with a hall pass so he could go clog up the toilets. I never expected what happened, and to me it proved he was actually pretty smart. Apparently, he was telling all his teacher's that his mom was handicapped and wheelchair bound. He said his life was really hard for him because he had to take care of her all the time, so it was hard for him to concentrate in school, and it was impossible for him to do homework. No joke, that actually worked for some time. Then it all came crashing down when his mom showed up to parent/teacher conference day and introduced herself. The teacher just looked at her and said, "Where's your wheelchair?". Haha! Well Vanilla, you had a good run while it lasted! (love you Vanilla)
It all started almost 27 years ago, when my brother came home from the hospital. That day I showed my little baby brother who the boss was when I slapped him across the face. What can I say, I wanted to teach him early. He spent the next 10 years trying to get his revenge by ripping the heads off of all my barbies and chewing their feet off. But, for the most part, we actually got along well.
He was the orneriest kid I've ever known. He used to wake up early in the morning and climb the counters in the kitchen and eat all the sugar cubes. The only reason he was up before the rest of us is because he had a nasty nose-picking habit and every night at my house you would here him picking and my parents screaming at him to stop. In the evenings you could find him standing by the fence next to our neighbors house. We grew up in California so all of our neighbors spoke Spanish. When the people next door would go sit outside to relax, you would hear Josh over there babbling to them like he was talking to them and knew how to speak their language. How embarrassing!
Once he started school it was a nightmare. The kid refused to learn how to tie his shoes! We were late for school almost everyday while he was forced to sit in our driveway until he tied them. The big shocker came just a few days into kindergarten when my parents got a call from the school to let them know that Josh had tied his teacher's shoelaces together during reading time on the special carpet. I couldn't believe it! He knew how to tie his shoes all along and was doing this on purpose to get out of a few minutes of school!
He was in trouble at school everyday. My dad would have to go pick him up, or the principal would paddle him. How do you get suspended in kindergarten? He was so bad! His teacher would be teaching and realize Josh was missing. He always found him over in the corner playing with his hot wheels. Those were all confiscated. His teacher had more of his hot wheels than he did by the end of the year. Luckily that teacher had me the previous year so he didn't think my parents were complete idiots. My first grade teacher got Josh the year after she had me as well. He had gotten worse over the Summer though. He actually got suspended more than he was at school that year. They wouldn't hold him back because nobody wanted him in their class. When recess was over he would (amazingly enough) tie his shoes together and throw them up on the roof of the school to get out of going back to class. But not before his teacher caught him peeing on the fence and throwing spit wads on the bathroom ceiling. She finally had enough and transferred him to the most militant 1st grade teacher ever. Even she was no match for Josh. When she told him what to do, he just grabbed his crotch, flipped her off, and said, "Right here lady!".
Summer time was interesting with him around. The Summer after first grade in particular. While he was riding his bike my dog Smokey was chasing him. I kept pleading with him to be careful but he ended up running my dog's tail over. Within a week the tail fell off and I had to bury it in the backyard. We had a little dog tail funeral for it. My dog looked weird after that.
We were always out playing in the desert. We came across a huge hole in the ground. Probably 8 foot deep and 8 foot wide. Immediately we thought we'd hit the jackpot and would have the best fort in town. Then we saw a huge stash of porn. I was out of there...quick. I later found out Josh had hung around. When one of my parents was putting away his laundry they found a stash of porn in his dresser! A few days later he got upset about something and said he was running away. We didn't believe him. The parents figured he was hiding out in the back of the truck and tried to water hose him out of it. When that didn't happen they had a look and realized he really was gone. It took my Dad some time to find him. He hid in a bush when he saw him coming. Dad pulled over and went in the bush and came out with Josh in one hand and a teddy bear and a pillowcase full of hot wheels (no pillow) in the other. I guess when it came down to it, he thought he'd only need his hot wheels to live.
I remember we would watch E.T. almost every night. And every night I would have to walk him to his room, turning every light on along the way, tuck him in, and then shut the lights out when I left. He was so afraid of that alien!
We were riding our bikes down the road one day and Josh turned and flipped off a guy driving past. The guy followed us home and told on us.
Josh wanted to race me to see who was faster. So we hopped the fence and took off. I was winning and turned to look at him right as my tail-less dog ran in front of me and tripped me causing me to roll under a car, smacking the exhaust pipe, and breaking my leg and ankle. At least Josh ran for help. That began our days of sitting on the couch together eating Kool-Aid ice cubes and listening to Alvin and the chipmunks on cassette tape. When we got bored with that we would fight over whether we were going to watch, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or Jem and the holograms. A kid in the neighborhood had the coolest bike, everyone wanted a turn on that thing. Josh got his turn first and then brought me the bike. He had failed to tell me the bike had no brakes. I was hauling ass down the street, and went to stop right before the end of my road, where I would enter a busy intersection. I quickly figured out myself, the bike had no brakes, and rolled straight through the intersection. Luckily, I didn't get run over, but I still couldn't stop. So I kept going until the only place to land was directly into the fence approaching quickly in front of me. I smashed into that and flew off the bike. Thanks Josh.
Josh woke up one day and his eyes were stuck shut. I think it was from eye cheese. Looking back on it I don't know why he was stuck like that all day. I would have put a warm rag on it if I was the adult. I had to help him eat and everything. It was kind of fun taking care of his blind butt.
I used to make him chase his shoe all the time. I wish you could all see it. He would throw his shoe across the room and then, like a dog, he would run after it and go crazy with it, then do it all over again. It was hilarious! It was all fun and games until he decided to get himself a 5 finger discount from Sam's Market, the local convenience store, and my parents made him turn himself in. Hope the gum was worth it!
Just before we were teenagers we moved to stupid, freezing West Virginia. We started school and it didn't take him long to make a name for himself. I remember one day in particular. A kid at school had jumped off the swings and broken both of his arms. I knew this because when he came back to school the principal made him spend his recess holding a sign that said that's how he broke his arms. The same day the kid was holding the sign, Josh got suspended for calling a little lady 'chocolate girl'. Now don't go getting all upset about it. I think it was probably more of a compliment in is eyes cause I think he liked her. In case you didn't figure it out, this is when I started calling him Vanilla.
There was a time Josh brought one of his friends home and they were watching wrestling. I just simply commented on how fake it was and this kid burst into tears! He had no idea it wasn't real. I had no idea why Josh would want to be friends with a big cry baby.
Vanilla was constantly getting me into fist fights. He would be a punk and I would beat people up so he wouldn't get beat up. I have no memory how many times that happened. I lost count. I am my brother's keeper. Any time my parents left the house I'd have to hurry up and lock all the gas cans in my bedroom because I always caught him and his friends huffing gas. Another time my parents left, Josh and I decided to go through the house and gather a bunch of stuff to have a yard sale. We laid it in the yard on a tarp, but found ourselves thinking we needed some advertisement. So I sent Josh to the end of our street to scream YARD SALE every time a car drove past. There is a video of this somewhere, and it's a great one. A lot like the video I shot of him making his own music video to Salt N Peppa's "whatta man", it's a must see!
In the top five funniest things I remember was when I was rudely awakened from my sleep early one morning by my neighbor yelling. I looked out the window and saw that the guy was walking up and down our street yelling, "I know who did this you son of a bi***! I'm gonna F***ing kill you, you sick bast**d for putting Sh** in my mailbox!" I knew immediately it was Josh, rolled over, and went back to sleep. When I woke up Josh told me I was right. He pooped and put it right in our neighbors mailbox. And not in a bag either, he just stuck it in there. This wasn't his first rodeo with poop, He left it in places like the Library book drop off slot, the handles of the UPS truck, and our neighbors porches.
As we got a little older Josh's voice started to crack when he talked. I told him that he was going through puberty. He didn't know what puberty was. Of course I'm not just going to tell him! I made him guess, and then try to figure it out by putting it into sentences. I wish I had it on video because I know I let that go on for a solid 20 minutes, laughing the whole time. But the only sentence I can recall is, "I slam dunked the puberty!". Soon after that I woke up one morning and found him sleeping on the couch. I figured this was my chance and slapped some bright blue and pink eyeshadow on him, some blush and some lipstick. Then woke him up and asked him to go outside (and clear down our street and across the main road) to check the mail. I watched him the whole way, waving to the neighbors. He had no idea he looked like a drag queen! It was one of the coolest ideas I'd ever had.
Being the responsible child I never got up late for school. Josh was late everyday, and I mean everyday. In fact I had to get up early just to have time to try to get him out of bed. I got him up because my Dad threatened to make him walk to school if he was late. I don't know exactly how far it was, but I took a cab home from track practice once and it cost 23 dollars, so the school wasn't close. Then the day came. The day I woke up late for school. Guessing yet? Yep, my Dad told us to start walking. I was so mad! My Dad always tried to be a fair man, but this??? So we started walking. About a mile into the walk I convinced Josh we should just hide under a bridge until school was out, then walk back home. Of course it didn't take much convincing. There was only one bridge so we climbed under it. We should have kept walking. The underneath of this bridge was lay down or curl up room only. We were smashed all day long, and had to ration our lunches like we were on Survivor. We walked home when the first bus rolled by, and my Dad asked of if we went. I guess I didn't plan ahead for him interrogating us. So in the end we fessed up and realized we wasted a whole day of our lives squatting under a bridge.
We got a little older and some idiot at the DMV actually passed my brother on his driver's test. I'm positive the DMV has to regret that decision. Of course I didn't want to ride with him. I was forced one day when my family was invited to dinner at someones home. We got there and immediately the old lady that lived there starting hitting on my brother...and she took it way to far. Then she got sloppy drunk and started fighting with everybody. It was crazy, and nobody was saying anything. So I finally said, "Screw this, I'm leaving.". Two cars, my parent's- who weren't leaving, and Josh's- who couldn't wait to leave. I knew Josh would likely kill us, but I had to get out of there. By 2 miles into the ride, I was sincerely scared for my life and told him he better pull over and let me drive or I'd kick his a**. I have NEVER ridden with him since, and that was 11 years ago. And I never will, since I don't have a death wish. Without exaggerating he has probably had 20 cars and wrecked or blown up every last one. And I'm pretty sure he has blamed a deer every time. I don't think there is hope for him.
I saved the best for last. When Josh was in 5th grade, as was expected, he refused to do well in school. He used every last available resource to get out of doing anything, including even showing up. He never once did his homework, and he probably spent most of his time in school with a hall pass so he could go clog up the toilets. I never expected what happened, and to me it proved he was actually pretty smart. Apparently, he was telling all his teacher's that his mom was handicapped and wheelchair bound. He said his life was really hard for him because he had to take care of her all the time, so it was hard for him to concentrate in school, and it was impossible for him to do homework. No joke, that actually worked for some time. Then it all came crashing down when his mom showed up to parent/teacher conference day and introduced herself. The teacher just looked at her and said, "Where's your wheelchair?". Haha! Well Vanilla, you had a good run while it lasted! (love you Vanilla)
Monday, May 10, 2010
Diarrhea can ruin everything.... if you let it.
I realize diarrhea isn't the sexiest subject in the world, but when I recall my experiences with it, whether it involved myself or somebody else, I knew I had enough material for this blog. You're probably wondering what got me on this subject, and no, I didn't have an accident today. It all started with a trip to the carnival. I should take a moment to tell you about it. I watched as Jimmy got swindled by a fast-talking carny at the 'pop a balloon with a dart' booth. He ignored me as I stood behind him saying NO over and over. When he realized what happened and we walked away, all he could say was, "that guy must own this thing." I wanted to kick him. The girls and I hopped on the weakest carnival ride ever. It ended up being funny because the little girl sitting behind us kept yelling, "I'm gonna die!" Me and the kids were cracking up. Of course that reminded me of the time we took the girls to Kennywood. They were 3 and 4. They insisted they could handle the ride that goes around like a ferris wheel, only you are in a cage, which you can also flip around in. Against my better judgement, I let them try it. They got to the top and starting banging on the cage and crying and screaming relentlessly, "Get us off of this! HELPPPPP USSSS MOMMMMM! Stop this! Help!!!". They actually had to stop the ride on my kids behalf. You would have thought that Freddy was in the cage with them the way they were acting. As I thought of this story another came to mind. The time Jimmy and I took a trip to the beach with another couple. It was my goal to ride the Sling Shot. Jimmy is not fond of my thrill seeking and did not want me to do it. Luckily, an old friend of ours, Alex, was in the area the same day Jimmy had planned to golf. So with him gone, and somebody willing to ride this thing with me, I was set. I figured if I did it and lived, then Jimmy couldn't be mad at me, and he wouldn't have to worry about me dying because by the time he found out about it I would have already done it. (He still got mad by the way). We walked to this towering bungee jump ride. There was no line, so we got right on, with my best friend watching from the ground. We opted out of purchasing a dvd of our ride, which was a huge mistake! I wish I wasn't so cheap. That thing shot us up so high and so fast! The whole time I was screaming how awesome it was, but Alex wasn't having the same luck. The only thing he was yelling was how his balls were being smashed repeatedly. When we got back to the ground a crowd of a least a hundred people had gathered. I thought it was to watch us and see how it worked. I looked at my best friend who went with us and she was laughing so hard she couldn't speak..she was beet red, doubled over in laughter. As it turns out, the ride is equipped with a microphone. My immediate thought was all these people heard me screaming and cussing about the rides awesomeness, it only took me about two seconds to look at Alex and burst into laughter because hundreds of people just heard him screaming about his balls for several minutes straight. I was hysterical.
Here's where I started thinking about diarrhea. On that same trip to the beach, my best friend April and I went parasailing. We were waiting patiently on the boat for our turn. We watched some people go ahead of us and they were being dipped in the water, which freaked me out because HELLO!?! There are sharks in the ocean people! Right before our turn I realized something didn't feel quite right..and then it happened. I was praying, please please let it be just a little bit and not come out of my bathing suit..please!!! It was a little scarier than the thought of a shark attack at that point, because once we were in the air I told April that I hoped we got dipped in the water 30 times so I would come out of it with a clean bathing suit. I would rather get eaten by a shark then sit on a boat with 8 strangers smelling like poop! Thankfully the water dips worked.
I don't get out much, so when I planned a trip with April to go to Kennywood for the day without the kids I was so excited. A whole day without responsibilities!!! When we got there, neither of us felt well. I think it was the Burger King. We spent about 2 hours learning where all the bathrooms were, since we both had to go every five minutes. We tried a couple rides, but got tired of squeezing our buttcheeks together. So we cut our trip short. The ride home took twice as long as it should have because it was so bad I had to pull over every few feet and hug my steering wheel for dear life trying to hold it. That day the diarrhea did ruin everything.
Another time I went on a little trip with a few friends. We were driving around looking for a place to have a few beers. My friend sees a gas station and says, "You should stop here, I have to go to the bathroom. Oh never mind, I can wait." We passed the gas station by just a few feet and she starts screaming in horror, "GO BACK!!! It can't WAIT!!!". The problem was, we were on a one way street. She was panicked, she starting sweating and crossing her legs, squirming all over the place. She kept putting her head in her hands saying how she was going to poop right there in front of all of us. She's yelling, "Find somewhere to stop NOWWW! I can't hold it! It's gonna happen NOW!!" I was seated next to her trying to comfort her like a good friend should, but I had to keep turning my head and laughing to myself because this was so hilarious..she was freaking out! I kept saying we should just find an empty parking lot because this diarrhea was coming now. After about 5 agonizing minutes we finally found a parking lot where my friend and I hopped out. I got out because I had offered up the shirt off my back to cover her while she went and then also for her to wipe with when she was done. That's a good friend right there! We were in position, when another friend spotted a restaurant across the parking lot and convinced her to try to hold it just long enough to get there. My friend was in obvious pain still screaming, "GO, GO, GO!!! I can't do it...hurry UP!!!!" Me; still laughing to myself. We jumped out of the car and sprinted to the restaurant, which was closed. I busted us through the front doors anyways and ran to the nearest employee who could sense there was trouble and pointed us towards the bathroom, the whole way my friend was sweaty and in obvious pain. We bust through the bathroom and get her into a stall. She didn't emerge for a good half an hour, just to be safe. It was horrendous. I'm just glad she can look back on it and laugh, because it was one of the most hilarious scenes I'd ever witnessed.
I feel bad about the time I picked a friend up from work. For some reason I had to have a milkshake. My friend kept telling me they had to go to the bathroom, but I insisted they could hold it an extra minute to run through the drive-thru. I was wrong!
One day I was standing in the kitchen cooking, when someone (who wishes to remain anonymous) came in to talk to me while I cooked. All of the sudden, out of the clear blue, anonymous went off on me! Yelling at me to get the H*** out of the kitchen! I decided to avoid the argument and get out...it wasn't until a couple years later that person told me they had crapped their pants and didn't know what else to do. So there you have it. Diarrhea can ruin everything...if you let it.
Here's where I started thinking about diarrhea. On that same trip to the beach, my best friend April and I went parasailing. We were waiting patiently on the boat for our turn. We watched some people go ahead of us and they were being dipped in the water, which freaked me out because HELLO!?! There are sharks in the ocean people! Right before our turn I realized something didn't feel quite right..and then it happened. I was praying, please please let it be just a little bit and not come out of my bathing suit..please!!! It was a little scarier than the thought of a shark attack at that point, because once we were in the air I told April that I hoped we got dipped in the water 30 times so I would come out of it with a clean bathing suit. I would rather get eaten by a shark then sit on a boat with 8 strangers smelling like poop! Thankfully the water dips worked.
I don't get out much, so when I planned a trip with April to go to Kennywood for the day without the kids I was so excited. A whole day without responsibilities!!! When we got there, neither of us felt well. I think it was the Burger King. We spent about 2 hours learning where all the bathrooms were, since we both had to go every five minutes. We tried a couple rides, but got tired of squeezing our buttcheeks together. So we cut our trip short. The ride home took twice as long as it should have because it was so bad I had to pull over every few feet and hug my steering wheel for dear life trying to hold it. That day the diarrhea did ruin everything.
Another time I went on a little trip with a few friends. We were driving around looking for a place to have a few beers. My friend sees a gas station and says, "You should stop here, I have to go to the bathroom. Oh never mind, I can wait." We passed the gas station by just a few feet and she starts screaming in horror, "GO BACK!!! It can't WAIT!!!". The problem was, we were on a one way street. She was panicked, she starting sweating and crossing her legs, squirming all over the place. She kept putting her head in her hands saying how she was going to poop right there in front of all of us. She's yelling, "Find somewhere to stop NOWWW! I can't hold it! It's gonna happen NOW!!" I was seated next to her trying to comfort her like a good friend should, but I had to keep turning my head and laughing to myself because this was so hilarious..she was freaking out! I kept saying we should just find an empty parking lot because this diarrhea was coming now. After about 5 agonizing minutes we finally found a parking lot where my friend and I hopped out. I got out because I had offered up the shirt off my back to cover her while she went and then also for her to wipe with when she was done. That's a good friend right there! We were in position, when another friend spotted a restaurant across the parking lot and convinced her to try to hold it just long enough to get there. My friend was in obvious pain still screaming, "GO, GO, GO!!! I can't do it...hurry UP!!!!" Me; still laughing to myself. We jumped out of the car and sprinted to the restaurant, which was closed. I busted us through the front doors anyways and ran to the nearest employee who could sense there was trouble and pointed us towards the bathroom, the whole way my friend was sweaty and in obvious pain. We bust through the bathroom and get her into a stall. She didn't emerge for a good half an hour, just to be safe. It was horrendous. I'm just glad she can look back on it and laugh, because it was one of the most hilarious scenes I'd ever witnessed.
I feel bad about the time I picked a friend up from work. For some reason I had to have a milkshake. My friend kept telling me they had to go to the bathroom, but I insisted they could hold it an extra minute to run through the drive-thru. I was wrong!
One day I was standing in the kitchen cooking, when someone (who wishes to remain anonymous) came in to talk to me while I cooked. All of the sudden, out of the clear blue, anonymous went off on me! Yelling at me to get the H*** out of the kitchen! I decided to avoid the argument and get out...it wasn't until a couple years later that person told me they had crapped their pants and didn't know what else to do. So there you have it. Diarrhea can ruin everything...if you let it.
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