Diarrhea can ruin everything.... if you let it.

     I realize diarrhea isn't the sexiest subject in the world, but when I recall my experiences with it, whether it involved myself or somebody else, I knew I had enough material for this blog.  You're probably wondering what got me on this subject, and no, I didn't have an accident today.  It all started with a trip to the carnival.  I should take a moment to tell you about it.  I watched as Jimmy got swindled by a fast-talking carny at the 'pop a balloon with a dart' booth.  He ignored me as I stood behind him saying NO over and over.  When he realized what happened and we walked away, all he could say was, "that guy must own this thing."  I wanted to kick him.  The girls and I hopped on the weakest carnival ride ever.  It ended up being funny because the little girl sitting behind us kept yelling, "I'm gonna die!"  Me and the kids were cracking up.  Of course that reminded me of the time we took the girls to Kennywood.  They were 3 and 4.  They insisted they could handle the ride that goes around like a ferris wheel, only you are in a cage, which you can also flip around in.  Against my better judgement, I let them try it.  They got to the top and starting banging on the cage and crying and screaming relentlessly, "Get us off of this!  HELPPPPP USSSS MOMMMMM!  Stop this!  Help!!!".  They actually had to stop the ride on my kids behalf.  You would have thought that Freddy was in the cage with them the way they were acting.  As I thought of this story another came to mind.  The time Jimmy and I took a trip to the beach with another couple.  It was my goal to ride the Sling Shot.  Jimmy is not fond of my thrill seeking and did not want me to do it.  Luckily, an old friend of ours, Alex, was in the area the same day Jimmy had planned to golf.  So with him gone, and somebody willing to ride this thing with me, I was set.  I figured if I did it and lived, then Jimmy couldn't be mad at me, and he wouldn't have to worry about me dying because by the time he found out about it I would have already done it.  (He still got mad by the way).  We walked to this towering bungee jump ride.  There was no line, so we got right on, with my best friend watching from the ground.  We opted out of purchasing a dvd of our ride, which was a huge mistake!  I wish I wasn't so cheap.  That thing shot us up so high and so fast!  The whole time I was screaming how awesome it was, but Alex wasn't having the same luck.  The only thing he was yelling was how his balls were being smashed repeatedly.  When we got back to the ground a crowd of a least a hundred people had gathered.  I thought it was to watch us and see how it worked.  I looked at my best friend who went with us and she was laughing so hard she couldn't speak..she was beet red, doubled over in laughter.  As it turns out, the ride is equipped with a microphone.  My immediate thought was all these people heard me screaming and cussing about the rides awesomeness, it only took me about two seconds to look at Alex and burst into laughter because hundreds of people just heard him screaming about his balls for several minutes straight.  I was hysterical.
     Here's where I started thinking about diarrhea.  On that same trip to the beach, my best friend April and I went parasailing.  We were waiting patiently on the boat for our turn.  We watched some people go ahead of us and they were being dipped in the water, which freaked me out because  HELLO!?!  There are sharks in the ocean people!  Right before our turn I realized something didn't feel quite right..and then it happened.  I was praying, please please let it be just a little bit and not come out of my bathing suit..please!!!  It was a little scarier than the thought of a shark attack at that point, because once we were in the air I told April that I hoped we got dipped in the water 30 times so I would come out of it with a clean bathing suit.  I would rather get eaten by a shark then sit on a boat with 8 strangers smelling like poop!  Thankfully the water dips worked.
     I don't get out much, so when I planned a trip with April to go to Kennywood for the day without the kids I was so excited.  A whole day without responsibilities!!!  When we got there, neither of us felt well.  I think it was the Burger King.  We spent about 2 hours learning where all the bathrooms were, since we both had to go every five minutes.  We tried a couple rides, but got tired of squeezing our buttcheeks together.  So we cut our trip short.  The ride home took twice as long as it should have because it was so bad I had to pull over every few feet and hug my steering wheel for dear life trying to hold it.  That day the diarrhea did ruin everything.
     Another time I went on a little trip with a few friends.  We were driving around looking for a place to have a few beers.  My friend sees a gas station and says, "You should stop here, I have to go to the bathroom.  Oh never mind, I can wait."  We passed the gas station by just a few feet and she starts screaming in horror, "GO BACK!!!  It can't WAIT!!!".  The problem was, we were on a one way street.  She was panicked, she starting sweating and crossing her legs, squirming all over the place.  She kept putting her head in her hands saying how she was going to poop right there in front of all of us.  She's yelling, "Find somewhere to stop NOWWW!  I can't hold it!  It's gonna happen NOW!!"  I was seated next to her trying to comfort her like a good friend should, but I had to keep turning my head and laughing to myself because this was so hilarious..she was freaking out!  I kept saying we should just find an empty parking lot because this diarrhea was coming now.  After about 5 agonizing minutes we finally found a parking lot where my friend and I hopped out.  I got out because I had offered up the shirt off my back to cover her while she went and then also for her to wipe with when she was done.  That's a good friend right there!  We were in position, when another friend spotted a restaurant across the parking lot and convinced her to try to hold it just long enough to get there.  My friend was in obvious pain still screaming, "GO, GO, GO!!!  I can't do it...hurry UP!!!!"  Me; still laughing to myself.  We jumped out of the car and sprinted to the restaurant, which was closed.  I busted us through the front doors anyways and ran to the nearest employee who could sense there was trouble and pointed us towards the bathroom, the whole way my friend was sweaty and in obvious pain.  We bust through the bathroom and get her into a stall.  She didn't emerge for a good half an hour, just to be safe.  It was horrendous.  I'm just glad she can look back on it and laugh, because it was one of the most hilarious scenes I'd ever witnessed.
     I feel bad about the time I picked a friend up from work. For some reason I had to have a milkshake. My friend kept telling me they had to go to the bathroom, but I insisted they could hold it an extra minute to run through the drive-thru. I was wrong!
     One day I was standing in the kitchen cooking, when someone (who wishes to remain anonymous) came in to talk to me while I cooked.  All of the sudden, out of the clear blue, anonymous went off on me!  Yelling at me to get the H*** out of the kitchen!  I decided to avoid the argument and get out...it wasn't until a couple years later that person told me they had crapped their pants and didn't know what else to do.  So there you have it.  Diarrhea can ruin everything...if you let it.