Got Baby?

     I was looking at my belly flab from having a baby 7 month's ago.  Actually, it's probably just loose skin.  And just in time for pool season!!!  I am so lucky right now!  I have always dreamed of going to the pool with weird gut!  Seriously though, I know you ladies will agree with me, how unfair is this post-baby-body business?!? 
     First, we are blessed with the ever awesome period.  How convenient!  There is no day like the one you leave school early because you think your butt is bleeding.  Only to lock yourself in a bathroom with a mirror between your legs while yelling to your mom, "Which hole is it!?".  If your mom was anything like the lady I had to put up with she'll probably just start laughing at you for asking.  Then the years of running to the bathroom when you don't even have to pee, just to change a tampon, and if your lucky a few minutes later you really will have to pee, then you get to change your tampon again or risk walking around with a wet string in your undies.  I can't forget to mention the obsessive need to find a friend and whisper, "okay, I'm gonna walk in front of you and you tell me if there is anything on my pants".
     What are we blessed with next,  a baby!  Oh, the joys of pregnancy!  Isn't it great?  No period for 9 month's!  Instead you'll find yourself falling asleep on the job, taking naps like your my 80 year old grandpa.  Your heads bobbing while your making dinner, and you quickly realize the best time for a nap is anytime you stop at a red light.  And I say take advantage of it.  Throw it in PARK, and let some annoyed driver's horn wake you up!  Anytime you are fully awake, your stupid.  That baby is sucking the life out of your brain.  You forget everything from putting on your bra to unplugging your curling iron and simple spelling. 
     You'll be peeing more than the family drunk, but you can't drink.  Don't worry though because your husband will be kind enough to drink for the both of you!  Some parts of your body, previously unseen, will be exposed, like the inside of your belly button.  While other parts you could see all the time, like your va-jay, will be nearly impossible to see without some outside resources (like a mirror).  And you WILL get a mirror, cause you'll be grooming the crap out of it.  You'll have a few reasons for doing this.  One, your husband has been made fully aware that these 9 month's should be taken full advantage of, since it's the ONLY time he's going to get near you without protection.  Two, your doctor might be a hottie, so your damn sure gonna tame your beav before you go to an appointment.  Number two will keep you grooming on the regular, you never know when an emergency will land you in his office.  Number 3, your doctor is a chic.  You already know she doesn't like you that much and she's plotting any way possible to force natural child birth on you.  The last thing you want to do is piss her off by leaving a jungle down there for her to sort through.  You don't need the whole run down.  Basically, it's the most uncomfortable 9 month's of your life.      
     Then the day comes when you get to give birth to an actual person.  A WHOLE person.  That just means you better expect whats coming out of there to be huge.  In my case, 8.8, 8.9, and 9.1 pounds.  If you don't know what that feels like, I'm happy for you.  Everybody says it, and it's true, you really do think you're going to die.  My eyes were literally wide open, and I couldn't see!  It was completely black in the room.  THAT is blinding pain.  Not to mention everybody thinks you're a psycho because of your labor behavior.  Word to the wise, if a lady in labor ever asks you for a tissue, you better pass her ~A~ tissue, not the box of tissues... unless you plan on getting that box thrown at your face.  I'm just glad after a couple of month's, everything is back to normal.  IF your doctor knows how to give some proper stitches that is!  If the stitches are bad you end up with the nickname "flappy taint".  Okay, okay...you do get an awesome baby out of the whole deal, so it's all worth it in the end.  But why after you go through all of that do you have all these other things to deal with?  Haven't we been through enough already?  We are left with stretch marks and sagging skin, fat pockets and love handles.  I mean seriously, before I had kids I had 1 ass and 2 legs.  Now I have 2 "asslegs" as I like to refer to it.  My belly button can double as a cereal bowl, and my tummy sticks out farther than my chest.  I guess it doesn't help that the family 'Double D's' didn't get passed down to me, I'm an official member of the IBTC.   I think God had it wrong when he did it this way.  I would have set it up where we could just lay an egg.